I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned then finally took Zquil to try to get some sleep. I knew today was my deposition with the public defender - "his attorney." I wish I could say I was very well prepared for this. I have had a year of counseling to think about this and the trial. I hoped I was prepared. I'm sad to say that emotionally I wasn't.
All day long at work all I could think about was that at 3:30 PM I had to be at the courthouse and "his attorney" would be questioning me about all that has happened. I talked to Dixie on Facebook earlier today. She said, "..just answer the question... don't elaborate don't add anything... just answer the specific question asked." When I got to the courthouse my victims advocate, Susan, told me the same thing Dixie said. She said keep your answers short and simple. That seemed like a simple thing to do. It just was easier said then done.
I had my advocate and the assistant states attorney with me in the room. We went through the "do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, etc." and then the public defender started questioning me.
Many of her questions were normal questions easily answered. She asked me questions about when and how we met. How long we dated before we were married. If I loved him when we were married. When did it start going south. She asked me about the first time I noticed he was acting 'different.' She wanted to know if he ever physically harmed me. And, if he ever threatened me. She asked me if I called the police when he made his first death threat. When I told her I went straight to get the restraining order she wanted to know why I didn't call the police. The questioning went from 1994 until his arrest.
Even writing this now it is hard to explain all of the emotions I went through sitting there. So much for all of my counseling. A year of it went out of the window in that one hour. There were no yes or no "short" answers. I felt I had to "explain" some of the things she was wanting me to answer. I guess I could have and should have. But, there was so much pain deep inside of me for what I have been through a yes or no answer just wouldn't do. So, I talked and explained and tried to make the public defender and her association understand how I felt.
I cried a lot during the questioning. At one point I was crying so hard they had to stop the questioning so my advocate could get me some tissue. When she came back in and handed it to me and then whispered in my ear, "Stop elaborating, just answer the questions." That, of course, made me feel worse. I felt as if I was failing at the deposition - playing right into their hands.
Towards the end the public defender asked me if I was angry. I just looked at her for a long time. When I finally answered I said, "I don't know if I can say I am angry. I'm very tired and sad that my life will never be the same. I'm hurt that what I believed wasn't a reality."
She then wanted to know if I wanted him to "do time" or if I wanted him to "get help." She said, "if given a choice of him going to prison with no help, or having him out getting counseling which would you prefer?" I told her what he did was criminal. I want him to get help but in a supervised environment whether in prison or an institution, but I don't want him released. I told her I am afraid of him. I know he still blames me. I am terrified of what will happen when he is released.
Throughout the questioning it was clear that she doesn't feel he should be incarcerated at all. She made me feel terrible just like his old attorney had made me feel at the bond hearing last year. And, then there was knock at the door. Our room time was up. They were closing the court office. She looked at her associate and asked, "Do you have any more you need to ask?" The associate said, "Tons." It was at that moment I knew I had said too much. Now, they are rescheduling for me to come back next week and I have to do this all over again.
Driving home I was beating myself up. I stopped at the gas station where I stop a few times a week. While checking out the girl that I always see grabbed my hands and asked, "Are you OK?" I looked at her and could only respond, "Yes, why?" She said, "You are shaking like a leaf." Then I burst out into tears and just said, "I just had a deposition." Then I went home.
I'm not looking forward to having to go through this one more time. But, I have a counseling appointment on Thursday, as well as my group session. Hopefully, at the next deposition I will be better emotionally prepared and will be able to keep my answers "short and simple." I'm going to really try. I really am.
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