I have been thinking about starting a blog for a long time. I just never bothered because, I mean, who would care? Today I finally decided that I do. I need to write down my feelings.
I am upset right now. People say you shouldn't write when you are upset. I probably shouldn't be. But, I just need to get my feelings out.
Mark and I are fighting again. Mark is drinking again. Mark doesn't like me again. Oh sure, he says, "I love you." I am pretty sure he really does. But, I am also quite sure he doesn't like me. And, to be quite honest, I'm pretty sure I don't like him anymore.
Kristin just called because she knows I am upset. She agrees with me, "Maybe daddy & you should separate for a while." I do think we should. We treat each other horrible. She reminded me that I treat Mark badly too. See, when your husband humiliates you in front of coworkers and in front of customers, when you are treated badly, talked to in a condescending manner, when you are made to feel like you are worthless - at some point you tend to fight back. I choose to fight back. If that makes me as bad as him, so be it.
I told Kristin something that my mama told me when I was 18 years old. She told me, "You are responsible for your own happiness." I have never forgotten that statement. Throughout my 18 years with Mark I have tried to live by it. However, there comes a point when you are married and you feel you really are the only one working for happiness it seems it would be easier just to be alone.
Yesterday 10-24:
Middle of the day:
As stated above, I was humiliated at work by Mark in front of a husband and wife customer. I was going to try to help them since Mark was helping someone else. When I tried to ask him a simple question I was berated and humiliated by him in front of them. I have gotten used to this over the years. So, I did as I usually do and apologized and made excuses for his actions. Yes, I learned to be the 'great enabler' while I was married to my first husband, Grant.
9PM-11PM Romney Radio Show
Dixie and I do a blog talk radio show on Wednesday nights on Romney Radio. We have been doing it together for many months. It is a bit irritating because where my computers are I do not have a door I can close. But, since I do not have a door, I have to ask Mark to turn the TV way down at 9. Most of the time it doesn't matter since Mark is usually asleep by 9 when the show starts. Last night that wasn't the case because the World Series was on.
I did remind him about the show and he did turn it down when the show started. During the game (and the more he drank) the louder it got from the other room. During my show he decided to LOUDLY comment on the game, slam cabinets, once scream a profane word, and also decided this seemed like a good time to verbally train the puppy. I kept myself on mute as much as I could and let Dixie do all of the talking. When he got very loud I asked him to keep it down. I was responded to with disdain.
Our show is only 2 hours a week. I didn't feel (and still don't) that it is a lot to ask to have that time for me. If this was the only time this happened I would say it was because of the game. But, it happens far too often. I just think he really hates me doing it.
12:00 AM
Our one and only TV belongs to Mark from 5PM until he falls asleep on the couch. Sometimes he wakes up for a few minutes before going to bed. Though he is half asleep he will try to change the channel. If might happen to cut off a show I am recording that's fine with him. He'll change it. It's his TV after all.
The presidential elections is less than two weeks away. Last night I do as I usually do and set my shows to record so I can watch them when Mark goes to bed. He hates what I watch, so that's why I record the shows and watch them later. I like O'Reilly, Hannity and Greta, which Mark always refers to as my "right wing whacko shit."
Mark had already been in bed for about two hours when I started to watch Hannity. But, as usual, he woke up and came out to have a beer and sat on his couch and began to berate what I was watching. After about ten minutes of him making rude comments I just paused the show. He kept saying, "Play it." I told him I would after he went back to bed. So, he took his controls and started to play it anyway. I paused it again. He hit play, then me pause. This went on for about 5 minutes until I finally just turned it off. He finally went to bed and I got to finish watching my shows in peace without his rude narrations.
Today 10-25:
I was told earlier this week that I 'could stay home to clean the house' because Megan was coming over to help today. We don't have a housekeeper and I am the only one that does the cleaning, although Mark does put clothes in the washing machine once a week. So, I stayed home to clean.
8:15 AM:
Mark woke me up with a phone call. "THE OVERTIME SERVICE DIDN'T PUT A CALL THROUGH LAST NIGHT FOR THE MARRIOTT SO WE LOST A CUSTOMER!" I was half asleep and not sure why he would call me about that. I have nothing to do with the overtime service and Chris set it up. So, I told him that I had set up a new email address last month when it happened last month and gave it to Chris. He responded (and Chris was in earshot), "Oh so you are saying IT IS CHRIS'S FAULT?" Obviously, that's not what I said, but he made sure Chris thought that. When I replied, "That's NOT what I said," he hung up. I did call Chris later to explain what happened on his voicemail I'm tired of being made out to be the evil wench.
1:30 PM
Mark called and when I answered the phone he said, "Chris just tried to use his Gas Card and it was DECLINED! Is this going to Fuck up my credit more??" Of course my heart was racing, because I was POSITIVE I paid the bill earlier this month. Not wanting to trust my own judgement, and because our bank just switched over to a new bank, I logged on to check. Sure enough the bill was paid. I called Chris and he told me the message was, "Error, see the cashier." Still not wanting to trust my own judgement I called the company. They assured me that the bill was paid and we are in excellent standing with them. They said the machine Chris used was probably just out of paper. I called Mark back to tell him, partly in relief and partly to prove I was right. He didn't apologize.
4:00 PM
Tomorrow is trash day, but hurricane Sandy is headed our way. We have an empty trash can and one full. I thought maybe I wouldn't take the trash down in case the delivery got cancelled because of the storm. After cleaning all day I thought I'd give Mark a call and ask his quick advice about it. Instead of just saying, "Yeah don't worry about it, or go ahead it will be fine." Instead I got, "Can't you just ONCE make a decision for YOURSELF?" I called Solid Waste and the lady there told me they were 'planning to pick up, but if the storm gets too bad they will cancel.' So, I thought fine. I'll make the decision, just like he said. I won't take it out. I guess that decision didn't please him because when he got home he wanted it taken out. I decided I didn't want to.
5:30 PM
Mark got home and he was in a very bad mood. I was in a bad mood too. He wants me to sign the paperwork for the refinancing of our house. I still am undecided if I want to do this. Things have been so bad between us lately I have been thinking selling it would be a better idea instead of adding more to our debt. I told him I didn't want to sign the paperwork. That made him very angry. Both of us started yelling at each other.
All of a sudden Mark blurts out, "Everyone in the family, Chris, Kristin and Chris's sister (who is some kind of psychologist) thinks you have Asperger's syndrome". Now, Chris's sister is in Australia, so I am unclear how she can make this diagnosis. I read what it says. I may have a couple of the symptoms, like being totally focused on one project (like this election) at a time. Further, even if I do have it, so what? It seems I am in pretty good company with Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Albert Einstein, Marie Curie, and Thomas Jefferson who all had it too.
I talked to Kristin as I said at the beginning of this post. I dislike discussing my feelings with her as she is my daughter. I don't want to involve her in any of this. It's hard not to as Chris (her husband) works with us and whatever decisions I make will affect their life as well.
8:40 PM:
Mark is now all lovey dovey (mood swings). He came in and apologized for how he is acting. I wish I could believe he really was sorry, but I have been through this with him before. Tomorrow, or the next, something will set him off and we will be off fighting again.
In the midst of this I told him how I am feeling and that I am not happy. I explained to him all of what I said above. To this he replied that, "Everyone at work says you do nothing all day but hurry and put in your invoices then do Romney stuff all day & listen to Rush Radio." While it is true I listen to the radio all day, I do my work. I only do Facebook or Twitter when I finish my work or at lunch or a break. If what he is saying is true I'd have to ask why nothing is said about the guys in the shop sitting around in the back doing nothing when we have down time or just playing army games, or when he played facebook games. But, if I do it's different I guess.
He further suggested that when Kristin worked there she did so much more work than I do, but that she was younger and had more energy.
I'm going to sum up today and just say I am feeling 'indifferent' and "weary."
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