157. Being Alone Does Not Mean You're Lonely

Tonight I went out to have dinner all by myself.  You are probably thinking to yourself, "So what? Big deal!"  It was a big deal to me.  I have been 'single' for nearly a year and a half.  In all of that time, and in fact for my entire life, I have never gone out to eat alone.  If I didn't have someone else to go eat with me I would just get take out and eat at home.  I just had the thought that if I was sitting there all alone that people would pity me.  So, I just never did it to save myself from my perceived possible humiliation.

Today I ran all over the place.  I got my hair done, got my car detailed and then went and had my car tuned up.  By the end of the day I was starving.  I grabbed my phone to order take out while waiting for my car to be finished.  But, I changed my mind.

156. My Criminal Deposition or How To Fall Apart in One Hour

I couldn't sleep last night.  I tossed and turned then finally took Zquil to try to get some sleep.  I knew today was my deposition with the public defender - "his attorney."  I wish I could say I was very well prepared for this.  I have had a year of counseling to think about this and the trial. I hoped I was prepared.  I'm sad to say that emotionally I wasn't.

All day long at work all I could think about was that at 3:30 PM I had to be at the courthouse and "his attorney" would be questioning me about all that has happened.  I talked to Dixie on Facebook earlier today.  She said, "..just answer the question... don't elaborate don't add anything... just answer the specific question asked."  When I got to the courthouse my victims advocate, Susan, told me the same thing Dixie said.  She said keep your answers short and simple.  That seemed like a simple thing to do.  It just was easier said then done.

155. Please Tell Me That All Men Aren't Pigs?

I'm at work.  I decided to write this down while I am still very perturbed.  As you may, or may not know, I am the co-owner in a small security products / locksmith company with Mark.  I have been running the company with my son-in-law since I left Mark in November of 2012 since Mark abandon the company.

Our store is in a small town on Singer Island which is part of West Palm Beach.  Many of us on the island know each other.  I especially know the store owners and police on the island as they have used our company since its start 30 years ago.  Today one of the police officers from the Town of Palm Beach shores came in to get some keys made.

154. In The Arms of The Angels

My best childhood friend's daughter passed away on my birthday about a week ago.  It's not only a tragedy that she died from illness which they couldn't diagnose, but that she left two young children behind.

And, as self centered as this may sound, why did it have to be on my birthday?  My friend will never be OK with that day again.

Rest in Peace sweet Jenny.  You are in the arms of the angels now.

153. Happy Birthday to Me

Yeah, it's that time of year again. Today is my 54th birthday.  I just can't believe I'm 54.  In my mind I'm not a day over 25.  I guess the saying "you're only as old as you feel" is really true.  What is ever stranger is the fact when I actually left home I was 52.  It's only been a year and 3 months since I left home, but the way my birthday falls made me 2 years older.

My attorney sent a settlement proposal to him at the jail today for the divorce.  No one really thinks he will agree to any of it, but I have to at least try.  I want this divorce final.  He's going to prison.  The trial is still on as of now for March 10th.  I can only hope he will be sane enough to realize he is getting a good settlement under the circumstances.  I guess we'll see.

152. My First Group Counseling Session

I've been going to the Palm Beach County Victims Services for 10 months now.  At first I had to go every other week.  If you remember I had PTSD after living through the stalking nightmare.  Now I go every other week.  I know that still seems like a lot, but it I really need to.

There are actually group sessions once a week at the down town courthouse.  People of all types of crimes, stalking, rape, physical abuse, etc. all attend these sessions.  My psychologist, Amber, asked me to go at least 8 months ago.  It's been impossible so far.  The timing just never worked with my job.

151. What Do You MEAN You Think He Should Get Out!?

All of the guys were standing in the back chatting when I got to work today.  One of them mentioned that Ryan, my step-son, had been in the day before.  He lives in one of our apartments attached to the building, so it isn't uncommon for him to drop in.

One of them said that they were surprised at what Ryan had mentioned about what his mother said.  I said, "What did she say?"  I honestly can't remember who was talking anymore.  What I heard sent my head reeling.

150. How Do You Cope With Feeling Betrayed?

Chris, my son-in-law, will talk to me about Mark every once and awhile at work when the other guys are out on jobs and we are alone.  Sometimes it's about what to do with the company (bankruptcy), other times it's about the trial.  Most of the time it's about something that happened when Kristin has visited Mark.  Today it was about the latter.

149. Happy New Year 2014

I am spending New Years alone at home today.  I spent New Years eve alone at home tonight.  No, I'm not looking for sympathy.  Far from it.  I am very content to be here with my furry and feathered kids in this quiet and peaceful house.

Mark's trial should happen in about 2 months and that part will be over.  Hopefully, my divorce will be final this year too. And, hopefully what ever is going to happen with the business will be settled as well.

 Everything is still baby steps for me.  I just can't help feel this is going to be a great year for me. I hope what I feel comes true.