33. No Time Like The Present?

If you happened to read about my day yesterday Part 1 and Part 2 then you already know I had a hell of a day and night.  I expected more of the same today.  So, imagine my surprise to wake up to this text:

If I am headed that way? I mean REALLY?  Not even 8 hours earlier he was calling me a whore and now he wants to know if I am headed that way?

32.The Longest Night From Hell (Part 2)

Friday Evening, December 28, 2012

As I stated in The Longest Day From Hell (Part 1), I was incredibly exhausted and couldn't wait to just go home and not think anymore.

My friend Dixie called me as I was driving home.  When I answered the phone she said, "Diana, are you OK???"  I immediately responded, "Did Mark do something?"  If you remember, Dixie was the one that called me the first morning after I left Mark.  She was the one that informed me he had killed my parrot.  She told me that Mark had contacted Wade on Facebook (Dixie, Wade and I are BFF's on Facebook - yes I know that sounds silly, but we are).

31.The Longest Day From Hell (Part 1)

Looney Tunes

Friday, Daytime, December 28, 2012

I was in the shower this morning when Kristin burst in the bathroom.  She said, "Mama, Chris just called. Daddy is at the shop!"  Mark has not been at the shop in exactly one month.

I never expected him to show up there today.  Mark had said just two days earlier that he was thinking about extending his 'sabbatical' until February. I knew I had not logged out of Facebook or my email at work.  That would be the very first thing he would do is look at ALL of my stuff.

My heart immediately started pounding out of my chest. I jumped out of the shower wrapped a towel around me and ran into Chris's office to change all of the passwords on my accounts.  Then I got ready as quickly as I could to get to the shop.  When i arrived he was not there, but our puppy Jet was.  Chris said he had gone to his appointment at Dr. Towards (his GP), but was coming back.

30. The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome

Today is Wednesday.  It's my first day back to work after the long Christmas weekend.  This is probably the first time in my life I have ever been happy that a holiday weekend was over.  The stress of yesterday was a bit more then I could bear.  So, as usual, I didn't sleep well last night.  I had nightmares.

I really didn't feel like opening email after going through the all of the torture of yesterday.  I did it anyway.  Imagine my surprise to see the following email:

29. Christmas 2012 - The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (Part 2)

If you decided to venture in to the darkness and read this page get some Pepto Bismol ready.  Keep in mind what you are about to read was happening all throughout the day.  Facebook messages and text messages show up on my phone.  However, quite a bit of what happened today I didn't see until much later as I had turned my phone off to keep my sanity.

28. Christmas 2012 - Our Family Day (Part 1)

I started writing this and trashed it all to start it all over again.  Half way through I realized I went from a day that should be sweet and happy to extreme anger and sadness.  So, I am rewriting Christmas in two parts.  Part One will be "Our Family Day."  Part Two will be the about the Grinch who stole Christmas.

Christmas 2012: Our Family Day

Matthew woke up very early this morning. His mom and dad were not awake. My room is next to his. He opened my door enough so I could hear him, "You awake grandma?" In a very quiet voice, "Santa came are you awake?"

27. An Interesting Sunday...

Jet

Chris, Kristin, Matty and I spent the day shopping yesterday.  It was a nice 'day off'' from the thoughts and feelings that constantly fill me.

As with what usually happens after being away from Mark for quiet some time I begin to get sad.  I feel sorry for him and can't help feeling I am partly the source of his sorrow.  I realize that is the enabler in me wanting to help and 'fix' him.  It isn't healthy.  I know this.  It's very hard to change how you feel.

Against my better judgement I decided to drive out there today to check the house, my puppy and my cat.  I quite honestly wanted to check on him as well.  

26. The Christmas Party

We closed the shop early today.  Chris and I took the guys to the Yard House for a Christmas lunch.  We all had a nice time, but it was difficult for me.  The whole time they talked about Mark.

Don't get me wrong, they have every right to discuss how they are feeling.  It's just when I hear them bash Mark saying things like, "we could make this company something great," I get annoyed.  Our employees are good workers.  But, I am confident that they have no clue what it takes to actually run the business.  Mark poured blood, sweat and tears for the past 30 years in this company.  Now, I do understand, when the manic episodes happen he is a huge detriment to the company.  However, as long as our employees get their paycheck, I don't wish to hear their 2 cents on how the company should be run.

25. The Never Ending Roller Coaster

WELCOME TO MY LIFE

24. Psychiatrists, Testosterone, Mania, Oh My!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Today started out so well.  I slept pretty good last night because Kristin gave me one of her pills she has to help her sleep.  I slept through the night and didn't wake up until about 6 A.M.

I was in a good mood all morning.  I knew Mark's therapy appointment was today.  He wasn't scheduled to see Dr. Agresti, but still he would see a therapist.  His appointment was at 3 P.M.  Work was very busy, so the day flew by.  About 1:30 Mark text messaged me that I needed to come get him because he was too busy to drive.  I didn't see the text until around 2 P.M.  In the mean time, he sent a few more texts after that sort of reasoning with himself.  He convinced himself he could drive and would meet me there at 2:45.

23. Manic Monday...

Monday, December 17, 2012

Yesterday, I pretty much laid out to Mark what I expected him to do. <--WOW, that sounded SO strong didn't it?  Too bad I can't always be that way.

I still didn't sleep well last night.  I keep waking up. Even so, I was pleased to see a Facebook message when I got up from Mark in response to my 'ultimatum' that said:

22. Silent Sunday

Sunday, December 16, 2012

I didn't sleep well again last night.  I actually didn't fall asleep until 1:45 A.M.  If I had said this a month ago it wouldn't be a surprise.  But, since I left home it is quite different.  I am always in bed between 11 and 12.  I guess last night I was still stressed about the Facebook fiasco.  I woke up about 3 times during the night.

21. A Not So Happy Saturday Evening (Part 2)

Saturday Evening, December 15, 2012

As I previously stated, I have made the conscience decision not to talk to Mark until he goes back to the psychiatrist.  I kept my phone off all day today.  If you read about earlier today then you know I had a wonderful, calm, sweet day with my kids.

I went to write in my blog tonight.  I also pulled up Facebook to chat with Dixie and Wade.  I saw I had a ton of messages from Mark: 

20. A Happy Family Saturday! (Part 1)

Saturday, December 15, 2012

I didn't sleep well again last night.  I woke up about 3 or 4 times again.  I kept my phone off all day today.  I also stayed away from Facebook the entire day.  The kids, Matthew and I went to lunch at TGIF and had a wonderful time.

I wrote in my blog for awhile, then went outside where the kids were all playing:

19. Slowly Pulling Myself Out of the Abyss

Friday, December 14, 2012

Today was incredibly busy at work as the entire week had been.  I did not sleep well last night after my ordeal with Mark.  I woke up at least 3 times.  My nerves are definitely shot.  I don't know how to describe how I feel expect to say that my entire body feels like a large open wound that hurts all of the time.  Sometimes I can get used to it.  Most of the time I can't.  Sometimes I burst out in tears at the most inappropriate times.  I have had to excuse myself to customers far too often in the past week.  Today was no exception.  I cried most of the day.

18. Remote Access, Throwing Change and Comcast Caring...

Thursday, December 13, 2012

I didn't feel like writing yesterday.  It isn't that 'something' hasn't happened.    It's just when I write, I have to relive the events of that day.  It is so very tiring and frustrating to do this. Other times it is a release just to make sure I remember everything that happened. Sometimes I write and just don't publish until later.  I guess that's why I am writing today.  I do not want to forget what happened tonight.

17. Twelve / Twelve / Twelve

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Tonight (a little past midnight) it will be 335.5 Hours, or 20,130 Minutes, or two weeks since I have left home. Time sure flies, doesn't it?

I really don't feel like writing tonight. So, I won't.

16. The Doctor is In

Monday, December 10, 2012

This week at work is incredibly busy.  We are booked almost every single day.  Chris and Pat have a huge access control job to work on.  Joe is the only technician I have available to send on jobs, since Mark is out still.

There was a CD that came in the mail this morning.  It has Mark's name as the addressee, but all of our packages have his name.  There was no return address on the envelope.  There was no invoice.  I opened it and inside the CD sticker said, "PDF converter professional 8."  I had no idea what this was for. I Googled the name and found out it costs anywhere from $80 to $100.

15. A Glutton For Punishment

Sunday, December 9, 2012

I know, I know.  After the ordeal I went through yesterday there is no doubt everyone is saying, "Phew! There is no way she will -ever- go back there!"  Yeah, well...

The entire evening Saturday night I was feeling so incredibly guilty for calling him an asshole.  I knew I hadn't said it to his face, but I also knew Rick probably had told him what I said.  When he didn't call, or try to contact me on Facebook all evening or this morning I honestly began to worry.  It isn't that I 'want' him to.  He just 'always' does.  When he doesn't my mind goes crazy.  What if he drown in the pool?  What if he fell and is all alone with no help?  What if...  My mind was just racing with terrible thoughts.

14. What Could Possibly Go Wrong Today?

Saturday, December 8, 2012

I was up pretty late Friday night writing. I slept until about 9 A.M.  When I got up I was wrestling with whether I should go out to the house to see him today.  After the fiasco of last night I wasn't sure I wanted to put myself through that.  I thought about it for awhile.  Finally the guilt took over.  I had made a promise.  I had told him I would be there by noon and we could go to lunch.  If I didn't keep my promise I knew he would call me a liar.  I am pretty used to being called that now.

13. (Not So) Happy 17th Anniversary

Friday, December 7, 2012

I went to bed at 11 P.M. last night.  Most people would find this 'normal' and in some cases even late. It is about three hours early for me.  My sleeping habits were rearranged over the years.  Mark used to fall asleep no later then 9 P.M. on the couch.  I would stay in my office and do Facebook, Twitter and read.  About 11 P.M. I knew it was safe to go out to watch my recorded shows.  Of course, Mark always woke up anyway, crack open a beer and begin to ridicule what I was watching.  We would argue and he'd finally go to bed. 

12. Stupid Boy - The Psychiatrist Didn't Go So Well...

"So what made you think you could take a life

And just push it, push it around?

I guess to build yourself up so high

You had to take her and break her down..."

Thursday, December 6, 2012 

I didn't sleep well last night.  I tossed and turned most of the night.  I guess the stress of knowing I had to see Mark the next day really got to me.  On the one hand I was excited as I wanted to believe the psychiatrist can help him - make him 'better' - on the other hand, I have to be near him.

11. Love Is Such A Manic Thing

I talked to Mark last night when I got home from work.  He told me he is bidding on a watch on ebay.  He said the bid is at $100 right now.  I told him please do NOT bid any more then that.  The fact is, he doesn't need a watch at all.

He is spending money left and right.  He has been taking money out of our checking account. Thank God he told me last night otherwise our house payment would have bounced.

10. He Murdered My Parrot

He murdered my 8 year old parrot.

9. Let's Make This A Family Event!

It seems Mark is "friending" all of Chris's family in Australia and talking to as many people as he can about our situation.  I'd say that is great, except he is manic and not seeing reality.

My sister emailed me their Facebook Conversation from Saturday in to Sunday:

Saturday, December 1, 2012

3:20pm

8. Free..But NOW What?

Saturday, December 1

I received a text message from Dixie at 10:00 in the morning:

DIANA... DO NOT GO HOME... Mark is NOT OK!

Then on Facebook she said this:

He KILLED your bird. He admitted it.

She then forwarded me their Facebook Chat: