148. The Most Wonderful Christmas Ever

This honestly was the most amazing Christmas for me.  It's the first time in over a decade that I looked forward to Christmas.  And, we had it at my new place this year which is also a huge change.  I haven't had Christmas at my house for several years.

The tree you see above was put up by my daughter Megan and myself right after Thanksgiving dinner when we got home.  I couldn't believe how excited I was to decorate this year.  At the old house, I had 3 foot, pre-decorated fake Kmart tree at the old house.  Every year I would pull the tree out of a closet and plop it on the formal dining room table.  That tree, a couple of snow globes and a few strands of garland has been the extent of my decorating since 2005.

147. Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Get Out of Solitary

Today was Mark's rescheduled 'status' hearing.  If you read Friday's post then you will understand why this was rescheduled.

I did not attend the hearing.  But, I did send an email to Jenica, the states attorney, to find out what happened.  She was in court all day, but emailed me back in the afternoon to let me know the outcome.

146. Mark Freaked Out The Poor Judge

Susan, one of my victims advocates, called me today.  She went to Mark's 'status' check this morning to reschedule Mark's trial.  Mark was in the courtroom, but the original judge, Judge Rapp, was not there.

Susan said a substitute judge went ahead and started the hearing.  Mark's public defender was the first to talk.  She requested that Mark's phone privileges be reinstated so he could be moved from solitary to general population in the jail.  She gave the expected speech of how Mark has been a model inmate and does not pose a threat.

145. A Conversation With The States Attorney

The status hearing to reschedule Mark's trial is scheduled for Friday.

Jenica, the states attorney, called me today. She had a lot to tell me.  She said that she spoke with the Public Defender on Tuesday.  The conversation was both enlightening and scary at the same time,

The first thing the public defender told Jenica was will be requesting that Mark be granted phone privileges again - with the exception of me and the guys at my work.

144. Today Is My Dad's 84th Birthday

Today is my dad's 84th birthday. I wish I could say he is doing better, but he is still anxious and depressed.  He has a doctors appoint for the sleep center in 3 days.  I only hope they can help,

143. I Learned So Much At Counseling Today

My counseling appointment with Amber was wonderful today.  When I first got there I had all kinds of mixed emotions.  It's so hard to explain to people all of the feelings I have, but Amber really understands.

Every single day I feel as though I am taking a step forward.  Yet, I am always conflicted about all of the feelings I have.  Is it strange that I feel guilty for being happy?  Is it wrong that I don't miss Mark at all?  We were together for 18 years.  Should I feel bad in some way?  And, why is it I feel so content now being all by myself.  I have no desire at all to date, or be in any type of relationship.  I actually wake up feeling happy even though there is still so much conflict in my life.

142. Thanksgiving 2013 and One Year Later

It was one year ago today that I left Mark.  It's funny how over 8 months of counseling and time can change you.

A year ago I was frightened, angry and horribly confused.  A year ago I still owned my home, had my cat, my parrot Little Muffin was still alive and Mark was still a free man.

141. Guess What? Mark Is Competent To Stand Trial...Duh

Today was Mark's competency hearing.  He had been interviewed by two different psychologists in the past week.  Both of them got on the stand and testified that Mark was definitely competent to stand trial.  But, we all knew that.  You have to be drooling all over yourself, or caught running naked in the streets not to be found competent.

The trial has been delayed three times now.  At today's hearing the Judge set December 12th to have a hearing to set the new trial date.  More delays. He's been in jail for 8 month and still no trial. It's maddening.

140. Public Defender Requests A Competency Hearing

Chris, told me that the public defender contacted my daughter Kristin yesterday. They talked for about an hour.

Chris said from what Kristin told him that it sounds like they're going to try for an insanity defense, or that Mark is mentally incompetent.  The public defender is asking for a competency hearing.

139. My Dad Is Not Well

Sometimes when you think life is finally getting better and you can handle anything that comes along something happens to turn your world upside down,

My sister told me that my dad has been having problems ever since Paula had her heart attack in August.  He has been anxious and can't sleep. He is also in his 80's and depression is very common.

138. Mark's Case Gets Moved To Mental Health

As you know, the public defender requested a competency hearing for Mark.  Today was the day she got to have the hearing to request the competency hearing.

The Judge ordered a 'Status Check' hearing set up for November 22 to have the psychologists testify to Marks competency.  Due to the new hearing the December 9 trial was cancelled.

I'm beginning to wonder if we will ever get to trial.

137. It's My Fault After All, or Something...

Today I had my counseling appointment at the Victims Unit with Amber.  I'm sure glad I got to see her.

I was pretty shaken up that Mark's trial was cancelled (again).  I was also still pissed off about the letter I read while at Kristin's house last week.  Thank God for Amber.  She set me straight.

136. The Trial Gets Postponed - Of Course

The hearing the public defender requested was today.  She asked the judge for a continuance so  she could get 'caught up' with Mark's case since she had just been assigned to it again.

The Judge granted her request.  Go figure. Now the trial has been rescheduled to 12/9.

135. The Mutilation Threats Were Due To My Panic Attack

Yeah, yeah I know. It's like reading the same story over and over again.  But, it's my life.  So, you have to listen to it.

Today is my daughter, Kristin's birthday.  She asked me earlier this week to babysit my grandson, Matthew, so she and Chris could go out.  I was thrilled to accept their request.

134. Mark's "Deal" Expired Today

Remember back in August the substitute State Attorney offered Mark a deal? Well,  that deal expired today.

When I met with Jenica last Wednesday she told me she was notifying the Public Defender of the expiration date.  I literally waited all day wondering if we'd hear anything. We didn't.

We are going to trial for sure.  It's just a matter of when.

133. The States Attorney Prepares Me For Trial

Today I had a meeting with the States Attorney, Jenica.  She is back from maternity leave and is back on my case.

The purpose of the meeting was to prepare me for trial on October 28th.  I asked her about the offer that was still on the table.  She said she was going to put an expiration date on the offer of October 17th.  If he did not accept by that date it would be gone.

132. Mark's Brother Comes to Visit

Mark's brother Bruce and his best friend Fred came down from Delaware to see Mark in jail.  Bruce thought maybe he could talk some sense into Mark and convince him to take the 'deal'.

Bruce emailed me before he came down and asked if we could all meet for lunch.  He wanted Ryan and Kristin to come along too.

131. The Actual House Closing Was Today

Today is the actual closing of our house.  I moved out on the 9th, but today makes it official.

The closing went very well.  The people that bought my house have a little 4 year old girl.  I was happy when I found that out.  I hope the new owners can bring joy to a place that has known nothing but sorrow since it was built.

130. A New Beginning - Riley Enters Our Life

Megan and I have been in our new place for 3 days.  For some reason we both had an overwhelming urge to get a kitten.

How we ended up with her is quite a story.  It was like it was meant to be.

129. Moving Day! Hooray!

That's right.  This is it.  The movers packed up my house. The whole move took about 5 hours total from house to house. I still own the house for the moment.  The actual closing isn't until September 18th.  That was very helpful as I have so much to move to so many different places. I'm glad I don't have to rush.

The feeling is almost surreal.  Most of my feelings are ecstatic.  Yet, part of me is just a bit sad. The sadness stems from knowing I am completing the steps to close a big chapter of my life.  It's a chapter I never want to have to relive again.

128. To Sell or Not to Sell Everything

It is only 9 days until I have to move out of my house.  Dixie helped me do Craigslist ads for all of my furniture.  It isn't that I don't know how to do it.  I just was to emotional to try.  After nearly 2 weeks of procrastinating, I finally asked her to help.  She is so wonderful.  She made up the ads and the calls started.

127. YAY The Short Sale Was Approved

I didn't post about the nightmare that has been the short sale.  It was an emotional roller coaster that I thought would never end.

Even if you do everything right it seems the bank wants something else.  It was the most nerve wracking experience I've had though not nearly as bad as what's happened with Mark.

126. Fear: I Had To See Him Today At The Hearing

Today there was another hearing today the public defender had asked for.  Jenica, who is the states attorney was on maternity leave.  I had her replacement there to represent me.  The public defender was going to try to get Mark bond again.  Short of that she was at least going to try to get him moved back to the general population in jail and privileges back to call her.

I had to see him while I was there.  Mark sat over with all of the other prisoners.  He kept looking at me throughout the hearing.  I kept moving so the person in front of me blocked his view.  I don't want to see him and I don't want to give him the opportunity to see me.  He scares me.

125. My Step Mom Had A Heart Attack

My step mom, Paula had a heart attack.  It is just incredible because she is so healthy, never has smoked, doesn't drink and eats well.  It seems it is hereditary.  All of her brothers had heart attacks as well.

She is having a stint put in her heart and won't be able to go to high altitudes anymore.  I am just so thankful she survived.  She is a wonderful lady and my dad would be lost without her.

124, Mark Fired The Attorney He Never Paid

Mark requested his attorney be removed from his case back in May.  Kristin told me she would never return his calls and would never come to see him.  I really can't say I would blame her as Mark had no money to pay her, plus he's crazy.

Today the Judge granted his request,  His attorney was replaced by the original Public Defender.  He should have kept her in the first place.

123. A Sigh of Relief - My House Sold

The water guy came just as he promised in the morning and installed the new pump.  He charged me nothing more then the service call for both visits.  He is really a nice person as I said before.

Nancy, my Realtor, called me this afternoon. I guess all of the emotional turmoil I had yesterday was for naught.  It seems the reason the people stayed so long at my house is they really loved it and made an offer.  What a relief.  Now, I just have to get the the short sale approval.

122. House Viewings and Extreme Sadness

I have been spending all of my free time fixing up the house the best I can since I moved back there in May.  There was so much to do that it was a bit overwhelming.  Especially since I have to continue running the company as well.

My Realtor, Nancy finally put my house on the MLS around July 8th.   She had waited as we had so much paperwork to do with the bank to request a short sale.  We still don't know if the short sale will be allowed, but I did my hardship letter and all of the paperwork is complete.  The scary part is that Nancy says she has a short sale that has been going on for seven months already.  I just hope and pray that doesn't happen to me.

121. I Got My Temporary Relief - Hearing

We had a temporary relief hearing today in front of Judge Marx at the Palm Beach County court in Palm Beach Gardens.

Mark's attorney showed up and was out in the lobby waiting with us as we were waiting for our turn to go in.

120. Cheryl and Skips Wedding

June 30, 2013

Today was Cheryl and Skip's wedding.  I must say the entire event was very beautiful.  The Inn where it was held, and where Megan and I are staying, was just perfect.

The wedding was quite small as Cheryl only invited the immediate family and very close friends:

119. Our Arizona Trip So Far

Megan and I arrived in Arizona the day before yesterday. The heat was incredible. You thought Florida was hot? Try an Arizona summer. Egads.  It got up to 118 degrees.

118. My Sister Is Getting Married

My sister, Cheryl sent me a Facebook message a few days ago.  She said that she and Skip are finally getting married. They have been engaged and have lived together for many years.

I really cannot afford to buy airline tickets to Arizona at this time.  So my sweet daddy gave me two free tickets.  Megan is going to go with me as well.  I'm excited to see everyone.  I'm looking forward to getting away from this madness even for a short while.

117. Memorial Day 2013

Today is Memorial day.  The kids, Kristin, Matthew, Megan and the dogs all came over.  We really had a blast in the pool.

I want to have them over as much as I can because I know I won't be here much longer.  I really don't think I'll miss the house too much.  There's been so much sadness here that I've wanted to move for a very long time.

For now I'll just enjoy the opportunity to have my kids here with me and be happy.

116. Mark Still Blames Me For Everything

I brought our home safe in to work today.  The dial is an electronic lock.  Mark had changed the combination so I couldn't get in.  I was quite sure there was nothing really in there, but decided I needed to check.

The guys said there was no way to open it without drilling it open.  What luck, we are a locksmith company.  So, Megan helped me put it in my car and I brought it in.

We decided to try every single combo we could before drilling: birthdays, anniversaries, etc.  We must have had 30 different codes to try.  The lock "locks you out" after 3 tries for 10 minutes.  The guys suggested I call Len and see if he had the combination.   If you remember, Mark had told Len how to break into our house the day after he was arrested.  The guys figured that maybe he gave Len the combination too.

115. My Phone Conference With My Attorney, Curtis

My divorce attorney, Curtis Witters, had sent me an email on Monday.  He asked me to let him know the outcome of the bond hearing.  I emailed him back after the hearing explaining that Mark was not given bond and would not be released.  He responded back with this email:

I called Paula right after I got the email.  She set up our phone conference for today at 10 AM.

114. Another Hearing - Face to Face With Mark

My anxiety from Monday's bond hearing finally was back to normal today.  Just in time to go to another hearing and to see Mark again.  Only this time he was 10 feet away.

When I originally found out that Mark had requested a bond hearing I immediately went to the court and filed a petition to modify my restraining order to include "exclusive use" of my house.

In hindsight, it was a silly thing to do.  It was just a knee jerk reaction I suppose.  Because, in reality, had Mark gotten out I most likely would have left Florida.  I realized that after I filed for the petition, but by then it was too late.  Once you file for modification you must appear.  If you don't appear then you are in contempt of court and can be arrested. 

113. Mark's Bond Hearing - Take 2 - Incredible Stress and Relief

After last week, and what turned out to be a dress rehearsal of Mark's bail hearing, I really thought I would be far less stressed for today's hearing.  I was wrong.

I knew I had to be up at 6 AM so last night I went to bed early.  I laid in bed.  My heart was beating so fast and hard I could actually hear the pounding sound in my head.  I got up 3 different times.  I finally fell asleep after 2 AM.

112. Making Sense of Non-Sense

You already know I was pretty depressed last night if you read my blog entry from yesterday.  That was then.  This is now.

I don't write much about my counseling appointments.  I have had them every single week since Mark was arrested with the exception of a couple of times due to date conflicts.  I look forward to seeing Amber.  She has a way of making me think differently.  Every time I leave my session I always feel more confident, happier, and have much less guilt.

111. Overwhelming Sadness

Well, the states attorney has not responded to my email yet.  I hate to feel like I am being bothersome or pushy, but Mark's bail hearing is Monday.  That's just four days.

If she hasn't contacted the North Palm Beach police at least by tomorrow then I doubt anyone will be there.

110. More Evidence for the States Attorney

If you read my blog post from yesterdays bail hearing then you already know it is postponed until Monday pending a psych evaluation.  You also know it did not go well.

Today, I decided to write an email to the states attorney and some questions and give her more evidence.

109. Mark's Bond Hearing - Take 1

I slept pretty well last night considering I knew Mark's bail hearing was happening this morning.  I only woke up once in the middle of the night.  It was when I got up at 6 AM that my trouble started.  I felt nauseous and started throwing up.  I know it is was just stress.

Joe, Pat and I were all meeting at Chris's house at 7:30 AM.  Pat didn't show up until 7:45 which made my stomach feel worse.  We all were riding together to be at the hearing so we didn't have any choice but to wait.  Pat drove us all to the courthouse in his car.  We made it just as court was starting at 8:30 AM.

Judge Rapp was supposed to be the judge.  He was the judge at Gun Club Hearing back in March that called Mark's message "scary" and gave him no bond.  Judge Rapp wasn't there. Another judge was doing the cases today.  I was bummed about that.

108. Jitters the Day Before the Hearing

I got more messages on Facebook message from Ryan today.  While I am thrilled to hear from him I will admit it is a bit confusing at the same time.

Anyway, his messages were as follows:

107. A Wonderful Mother's Day 2013

Today is Mother's Day, 2013.  I had a wonderful day with the girls and Matthew.  I also got a wonderful surprise.  I got a Mother's Day message from Ryan.

I am feeling much better today.  Megan got home right when I finished writing my blog post last night and we watched a movie together.

Megan and I met Kristin and Matthew at Ruby Tuesday at the Gardens Mall for lunch.  We all had a very nice time together.  Matthew is such a joy.

106. Pre Mother's Day Blues

I am extremely down tonight.  It is Saturday night and I am at the house all alone.  Megan is working tonight and probably will go out afterwards.

Loneliness allows my mind starts to wander.  I think about the things Mark and I have done together throughout our marriage.  I try very hard to think about the 'good times' and yes there were some.  Even so, the abuse always seems to creep back into my thoughts.

105. Attitude Changes and Carpentry

Yesterday, I printed Jenica's email to me right before I was leaving for the mediation.  I tossed the email up on the counter.  Next, I announced to the guys they should read it.  I put it there specifically for Joe's benefit.  

This morning I had a dentist appointment to have my crown put on.  It seems while I was at my appointment Chris and Pat had a long talk with Joe about the hearing.

104. More Panic and Mediation

Mark's and my court appointed divorce mediation was today at the main West Palm Beach Courthouse.  It wasn't scheduled until 2:30 PM, so I went to work in the morning.

I decided to check the court docket to see if anything had been updated on Mark's case.



Of course, when I saw this I went into an instant panic. It meant that on Tuesday, in 5 days, the judge would decide of Mark would be out on bail.

103. Time To Learn To Count My Blessings

I am at home all alone tonight.  Megan is working.  DirecTV cancelled Mark's subscription and won't let me get an new account in my own name unless I pay his off.  I don't have $530 to do that. Not to mention I really don't want to.  So, we no longer have TV.

Our tenants are not paying rent again.  Looks like I may have to start an eviction.  I so do not need this.

The house payment has not been paid in a month now.  Chase has started to make their calls.  I haven't returned the calls, because I am still waiting to see if Mark will agree to short sale the house.

My mediation with Mark at the courthouse tomorrow.  I do not have high hopes that much will happen.

I guess it is obvious I am a bit down tonight.  I am doing my best to 'look at the bright side' of things.  I'm alive and have a wonderful family.  Who could want more?

102. What Do You Mean You Won't Testify?

There are people who could be witness to a rape, robbery or something else horrific, yet would turn around and walk the other way.  They say, "I don't want to get involved."  Maybe they are scared that person will go after them too.  I am not sure.  I just know I am not that type of person.  I'd help.

When I talked to the states attorney, Jenica on Friday, I told her about how Mark had also threatened the life Karen Walter, Mark's ex-wife.  This shows that there is a pattern of death threats by Mark.  Karen tried to get a restraining order, but it was refused.  Back in 1993/4 there was no Facebook, text messages and cellphones.  Not to mention, at that time stalking was not looked at as it is today.  Karen's request for the restraining order is still in the court's records.  Jenica asked for Karen's home number.  She didn't know if she would need to talk to her or not.  I called Karen to let her know that Jenica might call and she said she was fine with talking to her.

101. Did Mark Just Lose Kristin Too?

I mentioned earlier today that today is Kristin's usual day to visit Mark.  Today was no different.  She went to see Mark when I was packing to move home.

Chris had told me that he felt it was the right thing to do when I decided to move out.  He wasn't saying it out of malice.  He felt that if I were to continue to stay under these circumstances there was a possibility Kristin's and my relationship could be destroyed because of Mark.

What was different about today was that Chris had a long talk with Kristin before she went to see Mark.  I had previously told you that Kristin refused to listen to the recordings of Mark.  She ignored his horrific Facebook posts.  I wasn't allowed to talk about him.  It seemed today Chris had enough.