97. A Night For Big Decisions

My day started out terrific.  I had my appointment with Meier's Orthodontist.  He is the 4th person I have seen to discuss how to fix my teeth.  From the moment I walked in there I just knew this practice was the perfect one.  And, I was right.

The people were all awesome.  The nurse was amazing.  Dr. Meier's was tremendous.  I was there for about an hour and a half.  After the x-rays the doctor told me he could make my smile back to beautiful in about 8 months!  The best thing is, my dental insurance will cover part of it.

It was very busy at work today.  The day just flew by.  I picked up Kristin today, because her Jeep was in the shop.  We picked up dinner and came home.  After we at it started off just as any other normal night.  We put Matty to bed, then sat to watch a few shows.  During a commercial while watching "The Mentalist", Kristin and I got to talking.  I was 'testing the waters' and mentioned I may be moving back to the house with Megan.  She didn't seem upset at all, which just makes me believe it would be the right choice.

96. He Pled Not Guilty!

The title says it all! Seriously?  He please "not guilty?" For REAL? Not only that, he is asking for a jury trial?

I don't even know what to say about this! Well, yes I can.  Wait until the jury hears the recordings!

95. Jail Visit Again, Visiting Megan and Plans to Move

Sunday again. It's Kristin's weekly visit to see Mark again. I'm getting used to her going.  I try my very best to not let it bother me.

I have to admit my feelings were very hurt when she was so angry with me last night about me wanting to change my name.  I would hope my oldest daughter would applaud me and say, "GO MOM" instead of make me feel like I was doing something evil.  But, as I explained yesterday, she is still trying to keep the hope alive.

94. Diana Rae Walter No More

Did I ever tell you back in January my old attorney, Robin, had asked me if I wanted to change my name?

I told her no.   At the time I was such an emotional basket case.  And, to be quite honest, I still was trying to figure out a way to "rescue" Mark.  Teaching an enabler how not to enable is a long journey.  But, I digress.

Somewhere in all of the barrage of recordings, Facebook messages, text messages, and emails he informed me I did not "deserve" to have his last name.  I ignored that statement (for the reasons explained above) until now.

93. Why Are You Panicking - AGAIN!?

I like to think of myself as a logical person.  I do my best to remain calm in most situations.  Lately, I have found that no matter how grounded you are it is impossible to control your emotions.  I had  tried to keep my stress at a minimum last night, but still woke up several times. And, today I had the ultimate panic attack.

Today was supposed to be Mark's arraignment at 1:30 P.M. at the Palm Beach County Sheriff Department courthouse on Gun Club road.  I had a dentist appointment to be fitted for a crown, so that took my mind off of everything for the first part of the morning.  But, I could feel myself getting slightly more stressed as 1:30 rolled around.

I kept reminding myself, 'Diana STOP IT!.'  You are signed up for the VINE program.  You have Susan -(your victim's advocate), Jen - (your states attorney) and of course you can call the jail at anytime for updates. Right?

92. The Mediation That Didn't Happen

Today was supposed to be my divorce mediation at the Palm Beach County jail with Mark.  While I had dreaded this day, I was also relieved to get this part over with,   I stressed all night last night just thinking about it.  Thankfully, my attorney went to great lengths to set it up so I wouldn't have to actually see Mark.

Curtis (my attorney) arranged the meeting so that we each would be in different rooms and the mediator would go between each room to ask questions for each of us.  I was very happy to hear this.  I have not seen Mark at all since February 24th.  I really don't want to.

91. Another Sunday. Another Jail Visit.

It's Sunday, so Kristin went to see Mark.  I know he is her dad.  And, I also know she feels sorry for him.  It is just hard on me to feel like she is an advocate for him.  He abused her too in all of this, as well as throughout the years.

My counselor, Amber, did explain to me that Mark is a master manipulator.  He chooses people that have an enabler mentality (just like me).  He knows Kristin has a good  heart.  She wants to help him in hopes that he will "get better."  What she doesn't see yet is that he uses people to get what he needs.  I hope she does in time.

90. John Relays A Message From Mark

This morning was very quiet at work again.  It has been so slow the past week and it is getting very scary.  I pray a lot.  I am sure it is a lull as we have sometimes.  At least I hope that is all it is.  I have enough to worry about then have to worry if I can pay my employees,  I finally took Mark off the payroll.  We just cannot afford paying someone who isn't there.  Now unfortunately my house will go into foreclosure.

My counseling appointment was today at noon.  John (the barber) called our shop around 11:15 AM and was talking to Chris.  I assumed he had read the transcripts and listened to the recordings and was calling about that.  But, then Chris told me John wanted to speak to me.

89. Spackling the Holes In the Walls and My Heart

John "the barber" showed up this morning to the shop to pick up the transcripts and the voice CD.  The guys  played one of the death threats for him, so he could hear what they were like for us.  He did act appalled, but also felt sad for Mark.

While he was visiting he started relaying stories of the "early years that he knew Mark."  John has known Mark for nearly 25 years.  He talked about how Mark would harass and scream at Karen while at the shop.  He mentioned a time where Karen had run over to get a hair cut.  Mark walked in to where she was and started yelling at Karen for leaving the shop.  John said he had a lot of stories like that.

88. John the Barber Calls Again

John "the barber" called the shop again today.  He spoke with Chris for a very long time about Mark.  It seems Mark has been calling John collect three to four times a day.

Chris did his very best to set John straight about the situation with Mark.  John feels sorry for him, but is getting a bit tired of the calls.

John then asked to speak with me. I talked to him for quite awhile.  I told him that if he wanted the truth he just needed to listen to the recordings or read the transcripts.  He told me he would be by tomorrow to pick them up.  I spent the evening printing the transcripts and burning all 10+ hours of recordings to a CD.

87. Kristin at Gun Club Visiting Mark

Kristin went to visit Mark again today.  I guess I should just get used to it as she feels as though she wants to help him.  However, I know first hand that someone that doesn't think there is anything wrong with them usually won't accept help.

I know it makes her feel better going there.  As I expressed a long time ago, Mark really has no one but us.  Now that he doesn't have me, the only one left is Kristin.  Now that I am in counseling I have learned only he is responsible for the predicament he is in.  It is not my fault.  I may still feel badly for him, but I didn't cause it and certainly cannot help him.  Kristin isn't to that point yet.

Kristin is an adult.  I have to let her make her own decisions.  I will admit it hurts to feel that my oldest daughter is an advocate for a man that has threatened to kill me and accused me of molesting her son.

Perhaps in time Kristin will realize he is the only person that can help himself.  Perhaps she will realize that most of the things he says are to benefit only him.

86. 380 Ruger and Concealed Weapons Training

Today I went with Joe's girlfriend Topaz to the West Palm Beach County Fair Grounds and took our concealed weapons training class to get our license.  The class was about 2 1/2 hours.  If all goes well I should have my license in about 6 weeks according to the instructor.

After the class Topaz and I shopped around for guns.  I knew what I wanted.  I found it at a couple of different vendors.  I actually got the last one they had.  It is a small gun.  It fits nicely in my hand.  It also has a red laser that helps with accuracy.

I am going to sign up for gun training classes as well.  I will probably never have to use it in my life, at least I hope I never do.  But, it is comforting to know if I need it I have it.

85. More Abuse - This Time By Claude

This afternoon was calm for me because I knew Mark wouldn't be getting out of jail any time soon.  Chris was running out to get ice cream for everyone and asked if I wanted some.  I usually say no. Today I decided to treat myself as if I had a small victory.

Chris returned with my chocolate chip scoop.  Right after the second bite I knew something was wrong.  One of the 'chips' wouldn't chew.  It was hard - too hard.  I spit it out in my mouth.  Lo' and behold I was staring at part of my molar.  I immediately called the dentist, but unfortunately he couldn't see me until Monday.  Just my luck.

84. Mark's First Appearance Hearing at Gun Club

There was a hearing this morning at the Gun Club Courthouse jail.   Mark's public defender wasn't there.  

The State Attorney called me to let me know that the judge continued 'no bail' for Mark.  She said his public defender would have to notify her of a bond hearing if he wants to try to get bail.  Mark doesn't have the money for bail even if it were granted in the future.

She also told me they consolidated my charges with the City of Riviera Beach charges.  Mark's next hearing will be his arraignment on April 23rd.

83. Packing Up the House

Megan and Claude were able to clean up all of the trash Mark had left.  They also have been boxing up my house.  Today is Sunday and Megan didn't have to work.  I had gone out there yesterday and dropped off more boxes.  I was shocked at how different the house looked.  They had packed up a ton of stuff and there were boxes stacked in the garage marked for him and me.  

When I left Saturday, Claude packed up the All-Safe van in our driveway with the boxes that belonged to me.  Today, both Megan and Claude followed me with Megan's car to my storage bin to unload all of the boxes and take the van to our shop.

82. John the Barber Causes Anxiety

Today was just like any other normal Tuesday.  That is until "John the Barber" called Kristin on her drive home.  We call him that because he used to be a barber across the street from our shop.

Mark has known John for more then 30 years.  So, when John retired Mark decided to hire him and teach him locksmithing.  Let's just say that John is more artistic then mechanically inclined.  He didn't last here for more then a few months.

Kristin had called me on her way home from work.  She sounded happy, upbeat and asked if I would stop at Walgreen's to pick up her prescription since I had to drive right by the store.  I told her I was happy to do so.

81. Kristin Talked About Her Visit With Mark

Kristin actually talked to me for the first time today about her visit with Mark on Saturday. She was the one that started the conversation, so I guess she wanted to talk about it.  She told me all about going to see him.

She also admitted that it's very hard on her, because it seems like every man that was her "dad" has verbally abused her. She seem to want so much for him to be okay, for her daddy to be okay.

Kristin told me Mark is in the senior area. So, it's pretty safe.  He told her to tell me, " Tell your mom I love & miss her."  She isn't supposed to do that.  I let this time slide, because it's the first time she has talked to me about him.