Today I had my counseling appointment at the Victims Unit with Amber. I'm sure glad I got to see her.
I was pretty shaken up that Mark's trial was cancelled (again). I was also still pissed off about the letter I read while at Kristin's house last week. Thank God for Amber. She set me straight.
If you remember I saw the letters Mark sent Kristin back on October 19th when I was babysitting Matthew. In one particular one he wrote, "...when your mother filed for divorce and got the restraining order it really sent me over the edge. It caused me to have the worst panic attack of all time..."
I told Amber all about it. I also told her my feelings that if that was just a panic attack that I couldn't image what he'd do if he was actually angry. She stopped me from talking. She said, "Diana, while what you are feeling is true, you are missing the point."
I was missing the point? What on earth did she mean? She continued, "Think about what he said one more time." Mark said, "...when your mother filed for divorce and got the restraining order..." She said, "That, right there, is the point. Mark still completely blames you for everything."
Talk about not seeing the forest through the trees. Amber was completely right. You see, Mark still believes that had I not filed for divorce and had I not got the restraining order, then none of this would have ever happened, right?
Wrong.
Remember, it was Mark's own psychiatrist back in January that told me to file for divorce to "save myself." It was my attorney that told me to get a restraining order, as well as my kids. Mark was stalking me, threatening to mutilate me and my entire family. What was I supposed to do? His brother did kill his wife. Why wouldn't I think he wouldn't do the same?
I wish this were over. I really do.
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