152. My First Group Counseling Session

I've been going to the Palm Beach County Victims Services for 10 months now.  At first I had to go every other week.  If you remember I had PTSD after living through the stalking nightmare.  Now I go every other week.  I know that still seems like a lot, but it I really need to.

There are actually group sessions once a week at the down town courthouse.  People of all types of crimes, stalking, rape, physical abuse, etc. all attend these sessions.  My psychologist, Amber, asked me to go at least 8 months ago.  It's been impossible so far.  The timing just never worked with my job.

When Amber scheduled today's session 2 weeks ago, she asked me if we could do it at the down town office and if I could stay for the group session after.  I agreed.  I figured 2 weeks would be enough time for the guys to make sure someone was at the shop so I could go.  It worked.  I got to go today.

I first had my personal session with Amber.  I told her that I was a bit concerned and skeptical about the group session.  I know many of these women were beaten and/or raped.  Wouldn't they think a person like me being there who never had been hit is no where near what they had been through?  Amber stopped me right at that comment.  She told me that in group she has asked many times what is worse - the actual beating or the mental/verbal abuse?  She said 9 out of 10 people always agreed the ongoing mental/verbal abuse was worse then the actual beatings.  I was shocked.  I was also relieved.  Maybe they will understand my situation.

While I was sitting there I started crying uncontrollably.  This hasn't happened to me in quite a long time.  I mean, if have read this blog over the past month, I have been quite happy and content.  I hate that I am now feeling this way.  Amber handed me some tissue and said she thinks that the trial drawing near was part of it.  But, she also said, "Can you tell me what has happened in the past 2 weeks that might have upset you?"  So, I told her about what happened with Kristin, the letters from Mark and what Ryan told the guys about what his mom said.

Amber said, so how does this make you feel?  I told her I was quite upset about all of it.  She said, But, how does it make you feel?"  I said, "I'm mad.  I'm really mad."  Amber said, "That's it! You are angry. It's a feeling you are not used to feeling.  It's a feeling you don't want to accept.  Angry makes us feel bad.  No one likes that feeling."  

Amber explained that even though I that Kristin believes she is just trying to keep the peace, instead she has decided to protect Mark.  She said, "Kristin is Mark's enabler now.  She is trying to not do anything that can make things worse for him  However, if he were to get out and hurt you then she would never forgive herself.  She has put herself in a lose/lose situation." 

The comments Ryan his mother made, Amber said, I should just ignore.  It has been over 20 years since they were married.  Karen had to endure the verbal abuse and threats too.  But, as Mark has gotten older his mental problems and behavior have become significantly worse.  It's easy for someone not in my situation to feel sorry for him.  I decided Amber was right.  I'll just ignore it.  

After our session we went into another room to have the group session.  The group was pretty small today.   There were only about 7 of us plus the counselors.  Amber said there are usually a lot more.  I guess I was rather glad it was small today since it was my first time.

I'm not going to go into what all the women talked about.  Suffice to say I did feel right at home.  It was a great experience to understand our feelings, how to react to feelings and how to react to others.  

I'm really glad I got to go today.  I'll be going again in 2 weeks.