106. Pre Mother's Day Blues

I am extremely down tonight.  It is Saturday night and I am at the house all alone.  Megan is working tonight and probably will go out afterwards.

Loneliness allows my mind starts to wander.  I think about the things Mark and I have done together throughout our marriage.  I try very hard to think about the 'good times' and yes there were some.  Even so, the abuse always seems to creep back into my thoughts.

There were many red flags in the beginning of my relationship with Mark.  You know what I am talking about.  That feeling you get in your gut that makes your head go, "Umm, that's not OK!"  Yet, my heart would always take over.  I would think, "Perhaps I am over analyzing this.  Maybe I'm just not understanding what he is doing, or saying.  Maybe this is normal and I am the one not seeing this clearly."

Mark picked a very good partner in me.  I had already been very well trained at being an enabler.  I stepped right in to that roll in his life.  I didn't realize it, of course.  Mark is a very smart person.  He had been running his own company for 10 years when I met him.  He was exciting, sweet and funny.  I found it easy to ignore the actions and words that 'just didn't seem right'.

I believe I finally have learned with age and counseling that a person must trust their gut instincts.  They usually are right.  Mine always have been.  I just never listened to them.  Instead I made excuses for the behavior.  I hope and pray I have learned my lesson well this time.

You are probably thinking to yourself why don't you go out and do something?  Just go out and make new friends.  I do want to join groups and perhaps outside hobbies.  Yet, with all that is going on right now I find it hard to think about doing that.  I don't want to connect and make friends with people that I may have to leave in a few months if he gets out and I have to move.

So, here I sit on a Saturday night, alone and sad.  I feel proud that I am moving in the right direction, yet still emotionally overwhelmed.  I am 53.  I will be starting completely over.  I will have to find a new job, I will have no home, my credit will be ruined.  And, most importantly, I will have to move to another state away from my children and grandchild for my own safety.  It's not fun to think about my future.

Tomorrow is Mother's day.  I get to spend the day with the girls and my grandson, Matthew.  I am sure I will be in a much better mood when I am not all alone.