Today is Sunday. Of course that means Kristin went to visit Mark. Me, on the other hand, am moving home for the first time since I left on November 28, 2012.
I had been packing things for a few days. Today I only needed to put them in my car. I grabbed my parrot and my dog after I finished loading up my car. Then I headed to my house.
You would think I would be happy to have my own place again. The house is relatively cleaned up. I have Megan to stay with me. Yet, all of the way driving to the house I cried.
I really cannot explain all of the emotions I was feeling. A selfish emotion is the thought of having to drive 30 minutes to work once again and being so far away from town and people. Part of the emotions were most likely because the house represents so many horrors to me. With the exception of my sweet dog Molly, I barely remember 'really good times' while living there. But, there I was, heading out to the house.
This is the place where Mark went manic the first time in 2003 within a month of us living in the house. The first time he went manic, he accused me of affairs. He wouldn't let me sleep at night, blasting music as loud as he could throughout the house. He would jump in the swimming pool at 2 AM. He would lock me out of the house when I went outside and wouldn't let me back in. He punched an employee at the BMW dealership because he said something Mark didn't like. He harassed the butcher shop workers when he went to pick up our turkey, because they didn't have the one he wanted. Then he had "road" rage as he was leaving the parking lot, because a patron cut him off. He harassed employees and our customers. He tried his very best to start an affair with his ex-girlfriend, Becky in Delaware. She blew him off because her husband just died, but Mark really tried hard. There was so much more. I wish I had a blog from that time. As, I finally left him and moved in with Kristin that time too.
Mark begged me to go to marriage counseling. You have to understand that I didn't know he was "bipolar" or "manic" at that time. I only knew he was mean, demeaning, and acting terribly crazy, but didn't know why. At that time we had been married for 8 years. Our friend, Matt Nugent, (Mark's previous divorce attorney) hooked Mark up with one of the best marriage counselors he knew here in Palm Beach County, Michael Atwater, PhD. I honestly did not want to go - been there/done that. I decided I would 'go through the motions' just to show I had tried.
At the second session, Dr. Atwater observed Mark's behavior. Later, when Mark went to the bathroom, Dr. Atwater said to me, "You do know Mark is bi-polar and manic, don't you?" I didn't. I didn't even know what that meant. Dr. Atwater pulled out a book and showed me the page about Mania:
This isn't from the book he showed me, but it's what I read:
People having three or more of the mania symptoms below most of the day -- nearly every day -- for one week or longer, you may be having a manic episode of bipolar disorder:
- Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
- Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
- Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep
- Rapid talk, talkativeness
- Distractibility
- Racing thoughts
- High sex drive
- Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans
- Tendency to show poor judgment, such as impulsively deciding to quit a job
- Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
- Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)
Some people with bipolar disorder become psychotic, hearing things that aren't there. They may hold onto false beliefs, and cannot be swayed from them. In some instances, they see themselves as having superhuman skills and powers -- even consider themselves to be god-like.
I just started crying as I read this. Dr. Atwater said Mark needed to get on meds right away. He said he would make an appointment with a specialized nurse for bipolar disorder for Mark. He made me believe there was a possibility that Mark could be normal again with meds. But, as we all have learned, only a person that will allow help and wants it can be helped.
Dr. Atwater told me I should move back in with Mark. I was completely appalled. I told the doctor about what his brother had done to his wife and himself. He told me that Mark probably wouldn't take his meds if I didn't go back with him. In fact, he told me that Mark might not survive this if I didn't help him. In hindsight, I should have turned to Dr. Atwater and asked him. "So, if I go back and continue to enable him, will you take the responsibility if he kills me?" You always think to say those things later. I did move back in. It was very tough for a long time.
In the meantime Mark got arrested for impersonating a police officer and stealing a necklace out of the glove compartment from a patron at Applebees. He was charged with a felony and I had to get him out of jail. We hired a criminal attorney and paid him $4,000 to get Mark into a program from the court instead of spending a year in jail. He finished the program and it could be expunged from his record. However, he would have to go fill out the forms and pay the fee to have the felony expunged. He wanted me to do it. I didn't. So, he still blames me for it still being there.
This house is where I fell in the garage when my shoe broke and my baby toe snapped in half. I laid on in the driveway for nearly a half hour yelling for help, but no one could hear me. I had to drag myself on my side through the garage into the house to call for help. Instead of sending help, Mark told me to drive myself to the doctor, which I did.
This is the home where Mark took my four year old African Grey parrot that I raised from a baby, Marvin Grey, outside and he flew away. Mark blamed me for not having his wings clipped. Marvin's appointment was for the next day. I spent a year looking for Marvin.
This is where our sweet little Willie (our 1 year old dachshund) was hit and killed by a car.
This is the place that Rocky (our 6 year old cat) disappeared the day before the hurricane Wilma in 2005. Kristin and I spent weeks looking for him, putting up posters, going to the pound, and looking online for him. He just disappeared one day. I now know, from Mark's own admission to our shop employees, that "he got rid of him."
This is where my sweet girl Molly lived and died. Honestly, part of me died with her. She made me very happy.
This house is where Mark went manic again for a second time. It's where he killed my 8 year old parrot Little Muffin. It's where he tried to bankrupt us. It is where he trashed the house. It is where he sat every day and night and called me to threaten me, my employees and my family's lives.
And, here I am driving to this house to stay there. So, yes I cried.
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