111. Overwhelming Sadness

Well, the states attorney has not responded to my email yet.  I hate to feel like I am being bothersome or pushy, but Mark's bail hearing is Monday.  That's just four days.

If she hasn't contacted the North Palm Beach police at least by tomorrow then I doubt anyone will be there.

There were two voice messages on my machine tonight when I got home.  Both were from Chase bank. I received a notice from them two days ago that if I didn't pay the overdue house payment, or fill out the forms to reconstruct my loan, then the foreclosure will start shortly.

My attorney had asked Mark in mediation if he would agree to a short sale.  He wouldn't.  He truly believes he is getting out and says he wants to keep the house.  I have no idea how he plans to do this. In fact, it is impossible.  At least with a short sale our credit could be repaired in a few years.  We also won't have the tax implications that comes with a foreclosure.  I am praying that after his bond hearing (whether or not he gets out) he will agree.  I am not holding my breath.

I am alone again tonight.  Megan is at work. I decided to watch a movie Megan recommended.  So, I turned on Netflix and watched, "What Dreams May Come" with Robin Williams.  Big mistake. I still have tears on my face.  Watching a movie about soul mates and a love so deep that a person would risk going to hell to save the person they love....probably wasn't what I needed to watch right now.

I hate being alone.  It gives me a lot of time to sit and think. I keep thinking about the hearing.  I keep thinking about my life.  I keep thinking about my future. I keep wondering what kind of life I will have.   It's all very scary.

Also, I think about Mark.  Sometimes I can't help it.  My mind wanders and I think of him so very sad in jail.  Perhaps realizing what he has done, maybe is really sorry, and really wants to get help.  Or, he is in there telling all of the "guys" what a bitch I am and how I am assassinating his character, lying about him, trying to steal his business and his life.  When I logically think about it, it's probably a mixture of all of the above.

Today at work I found a letter I had written back in 1995 three months before I married Mark. Tears came to my eyes when I read it.  Remember those 'red flags' I talked about before?  This letter was in response to one I had at the time.  Here is the >> Letter <<

I should have listened to my gut.  I should have trusted my instincts.  But, to be perfectly honest, I wanted so badly to believe I was wrong.  I also had left my job of 17 years at Lockheed to marry him.  I had already moved to Florida.  I was scared.  The ladies at work talked to me about it and said, "Oh he is just upset because he is at the end of a terrible divorce.  Things will get better.  Everything is going to be alright."  They were wrong.  My gut was right.

My weekly counseling appointment is tomorrow.  I'm glad because Amber always sets me straight.

I hate being alone.