89. Spackling the Holes In the Walls and My Heart

John "the barber" showed up this morning to the shop to pick up the transcripts and the voice CD.  The guys  played one of the death threats for him, so he could hear what they were like for us.  He did act appalled, but also felt sad for Mark.

While he was visiting he started relaying stories of the "early years that he knew Mark."  John has known Mark for nearly 25 years.  He talked about how Mark would harass and scream at Karen while at the shop.  He mentioned a time where Karen had run over to get a hair cut.  Mark walked in to where she was and started yelling at Karen for leaving the shop.  John said he had a lot of stories like that.

John left after about two hours.  I assumed he was going off to listen to the recordings and read the transcripts.

I decided to go out to my house to start fixing the mess that Claude made.  On the way I called Paula (my step mom).  We ended up talking for about an hour.  She really is a wonderful and kind person.  She and my daddy are terrified of Mark getting out.  Even more, they are worried that when he eventually does get out he will carry out his threats.

They both are still adamant that I move out of the state immediately.  I wish it were that easy.  There is a lot more at stake for me then just to pick up and leave.  Paula said that it's better just to be alive and not live in fear then to stick around to get anything out of the divorce.  I agree with her.  However, with Mark in jail right now I do feel safe.  If he does get out they have to tell me ahead of time.  Then I'll have to make some hard decisions.

I went in the house after Paula and I hung up.  By now it was 7:00 P.M.  I spent the next 3 hours spackling some of the holes in the walls.  I knew it would take several days to fix them all before I could even paint.

The strangest thing happened.  For the first time in months I did not feel nauseous after being in my house for more then an hour.  In fact, I felt strangely very calm.  I wasn't angry when I was filling the holes.  In fact, it was quite healing.  It was like by me fixing all of this horrible mess left by Claude that all of the hate, hurt, and anguish I have lived through in the house was being fixed.  I was making it better.  I was making it whole.

I think it was very good therapy for me.