Amber makes me think about a lot of things in a different way. For instance, I was all for moving to Loxahatchee, but it wasn't even a couple of months that we lived there that Mark went wildly manic the first time in 2003. In the past ten years following our move I have allowed myself to be alienated from my family.
After Mark hurt his knees he could no longer play racquetball or basketball. He took up golf, I believe around 2006 instead. I don't remember if I ever mentioned about when Mark started playing golf he would always want to use my car because his golf clubs fit in my trunk and not in his little convertible. At first he would ask to use my car. Shortly thereafter he just assumed he could use my car. He golfed on both Saturday and Sunday.
I would occasionally tell him that I wanted to use my car on the weekends so i could go shopping with my daughter, Kristin. Mark would hem and haw about it. Then I would get upset and say, "Fine take my car. I'll take yours?" He didn't want me to do that. He said since his clutch was messed up he didn't want me to drive it, so he ended up angrily taking his car. I would feel so guilty every time.
It wasn't often I would plan an outing with my daughter, but when I did I wanted to drive into town. It was ridiculous to me that she have to drive all the way from North Palm Beach to Loxahatchee, pick me up, then we would turn around and drive back to Palm Beach Gardens. All of that just because my husband wanted to take my car. I even told him, "Just buy a bigger car!" He wouldn't. He would always let me know how unreasonable I was.
As time went on, the weeks, the years, this became a tradition. Occasionally, I would want to use my car. Every time he would get upset and make me feel guilty. I don't remember exactly at what point I just gave up. I just stopped asking. It seemed so much easier to not argue about it.
Once, on a Sunday morning, I remember needing to go to pick up something at the store. The store is a couple of miles away. I didn't want to walk there and I don't own a bike. I went to where he kept the key to his car and it was gone. I looked everywhere for it. I checked every drawer and every cabinet. I ended up waiting until he got home. I asked him where the key was. He had hidden it. Of course, that sparked another huge argument. But, being the great little enable that I am, I adjusted accordingly. From then on I made sure to pick up everything I needed the night before so I wouldn't be stuck in a situation like that.
For many years I stayed home alone on the weekends. It was quiet. He wasn't there. It was nice. I know now that truly was unhealthy, but I was doing what I needed to stop feeling so guilty. I was doing what I needed to "keep the peace."
In my session with Amber we discussed all of this. She explained that in a mental abuse situation taking a car away and alienating a person from their friends and family is a classic control situation that most abusers use.
In fact, she told me about this site where it explains different types of abuse. Here is just a short list:
Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:
- Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
- Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Obviously in the recordings you hear a lot of the above. He wasn't always like this. In fact, his ridicule of me was mostly behind my back prior to my leaving. I was told by the guys after I left him just how much he would talk about me when I wasn't there. Over the years the guys believed him. I was so depressed that when I got to work I would go straight to my office and not stop and talk to anyone.
Most days Mark would ask me to leave early, so I could stop on the way home and 'do his errands.' When I would leave I would head out, again right past everyone without saying anything. I was depressed. They, of course, saw that as me being a bitch, egotistical, and self-centered. Mostly, because that's what he let them believe. They have since told me that Mark would tell them, "She doesn't care about anyone but herself. She doesn't give a crap about the company or anyone but herself. They eventually believed what he was saying was true. That is until I left and he quit coming to work. They know better now.
Most days Mark would ask me to leave early, so I could stop on the way home and 'do his errands.' When I would leave I would head out, again right past everyone without saying anything. I was depressed. They, of course, saw that as me being a bitch, egotistical, and self-centered. Mostly, because that's what he let them believe. They have since told me that Mark would tell them, "She doesn't care about anyone but herself. She doesn't give a crap about the company or anyone but herself. They eventually believed what he was saying was true. That is until I left and he quit coming to work. They know better now.
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- Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
Perhaps me people couldn't see the isolation going on in my life. After all, I was all for moving to Loxahatchee. But remember, we hadn't even lived there for 2 months when Mark went major league manic the first time in 2003. When we did make it through counseling, attorneys, his meds and everything else that happened back then I wanted to move. He kept talking about his "5 year plan." He said, "We just need to stay here 5 years then we will make a killing on the house and then we can move." Of course, I didn't argue with him. The housing market started to crash and that was that.
As I explained above after a couple of years of living there he started denying me my car. I never understood before that is a form of mental abuse. Mark liked it in Loxahatchee. I was alone. He was my only friend (except online) and he liked it that way.
- Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Mark did all of this, with the exception of suicide. He threatened to kill me, my family and my co-workers. He killed my parrot (and we are all pretty sure he has killed at least one of my cats). He filed false charges against me for fraud. He obviously couldn't report me to child services as my kids are grown, but in those recordings and on Facebook he did falsely accuse me of sexually abusing my grandson.
- Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
When Mark came into the shop after we had separated he went in my office and ripped down every single paper, note, sign from my wall. In the recordings he repeatedly reminded me that "this is never going to end." He further let me know on many occasions, "I am on my way there." He threatened to take away my car, my surviving parrot, and my dog. He also said in the recordings that he had got himself new guns. And again, as just stated above, he killed my parrot. Then threatened to kill me and my family.
- Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
If I wasn't a money grubbing gold-digging whore, everything would be different - (note to self - how can you be a gold-digger when you have been married to someone for 18 years?)
If I had just kept my mouth shut and been the little good wife, everything would be different.
If I hadn't filed for divorce, everything would just be fine now.
If I hadn't filed for the restraining order, he wouldn't feel as though he needs to kill me and my family.
There was a time in the not too distant past where I would have believed at least a few of those things. And, though I still get emotional I am no longer that woman. I am working on liking myself. I no longer need him to 'complete me.' I no longer need to be with him to survive.
It also makes it a hell of a lot easier to work on my emotions knowing he is in jail.
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