27. An Interesting Sunday...

Jet

Chris, Kristin, Matty and I spent the day shopping yesterday.  It was a nice 'day off'' from the thoughts and feelings that constantly fill me.

As with what usually happens after being away from Mark for quiet some time I begin to get sad.  I feel sorry for him and can't help feeling I am partly the source of his sorrow.  I realize that is the enabler in me wanting to help and 'fix' him.  It isn't healthy.  I know this.  It's very hard to change how you feel.

Against my better judgement I decided to drive out there today to check the house, my puppy and my cat.  I quite honestly wanted to check on him as well.  

When I arrived it was about noon.  I could tell he was either already inebriated, or high - perhaps both.  He was very docile however.  He was not combative at all.  I guess he was in shock that I actually came there without him asking me to.  Perhaps that was the best way to do it, because I definitely caught him off guard.

As you can see from the picture above, both Mark and Jet are living in the family room.  The house is a disaster still after an entire month. The master bedroom has trash everywhere on the floor.  There are piles of "stuff" on the bed.  In fact, there are piles of all kinds of stuff everywhere all over the house.  We had paid Pat to come and clean out the garage back in mid November before I had moved out.  It looked pretty nice when he was finished.  In fact, for the first time in 10 years we could actually park a car in there.  Unfortunately, this is what it looks like today:

As I walked through each room I felt so much dread welling up inside me.  When I looked at the fish tank sitting there where my half wall used to be - and Little Muffin used to play - all I could think was, "I really hate that thing."  When I looked at it still all covered in the paper melded to the glass from sitting in the garage for 10 years it made me cry.  I didn't like the idea of putting it in 10 years ago, but agreed because he wanted it.  I was glad when he never had it put in. 

Looking around I couldn't help but think, "What has he been doing for an entire month?"  It was like he knew what I was thinking.  He looked at me and laughed, "I guess you see I really didn't hire that cleaning lady after all."  I turned and looked at him and said, "Apparently not.  So, when you tell me things should I just automatically believe what you are saying is not the truth?"  He didn't answer.  You see, he had told me that he had hired a cleaning lady and the house was "immaculate" now.  I wanted to believe him, but in my heart I couldn't imagine how anyone could clean up the mess in a day.  I was right.  It all was a lie.

He then mentioned that he had lost his Hotmail email account.  I had previously explained to him that you can't just "lose" a Hotmail account.  It is pretty easy to retrieve the password information.  But, he had locked himself out.  I offered to fix it for him.  It took me all of 5 minutes to reset the password and fix his account.  But, when I did this I also noticed he had picked up another virus.  So, I spent the next half hour fixing that.  When I was finished he did thank me.  

Mark was sitting near me on the couch.  He told me that he thought we should take some of this stuff to storage.  I wholeheartedly agreed.  I want to get my pictures, china, silver and precious things that can't be replaced out of there before he hocks them or breaks them.  I didn't say that of course.  And, when I do finally get my stuff and put it in storage it will not be where he will know where it is.  While I was sitting there he made some comment about, "When you move back home..."  I looked directly at him and said, "I am never moving back into this house."  He said, "Well, that settles that."  The more I am away from that house the less it feels like 'home.'  I can only remember feeling sadness there.

Next, he asked me if I would drive him to the store.  He was out of of a few things.  He said he was 'dizzy' from the medication and couldn't drive himself. (Keep in mind I don't honestly believe he is taking it).  I agreed only because I didn't think it was a good idea for him to drive.  He wrote a list of the things he needed and handed it to me.  He now decided that it would be better if he didn't go.  I saw the Eagles game was on.  That was most likely the reason.  However, I felt like it would be faster and less trouble if I just went and got it over with.  At the same time, I will admit, I did resent going.  It felt just like before. Do this for me. Do that for me.  I left got what he asked for.

When I got back to the house he was still watching football.  It was now 2 P.M.  Mark was preoccupied with the game and not focused on me.  Football is very important to him.  I realized this was a good time to leave.  He really wasn't upset at all with me leaving.  

I know when you read this some of you will be upset that I went there again.  It wasn't a smart thing to do.  I will be honest and tell you I am very torn with the fact he is in my house.  I am afraid he will destroy it.  I also feel helpless, because I cannot move back there, so there is nothing I can do.

Tonight was quiet at home (Kristin's).  It is so nice to go back there.  It is so peaceful and Matthew is such a joy.