"So what made you think you could take a lifeAnd just push it, push it around?I guess to build yourself up so highYou had to take her and break her down..."
Thursday, December 6, 2012
I didn't sleep well last night. I tossed and turned most of the night. I guess the stress of knowing I had to see Mark the next day really got to me. On the one hand I was excited as I wanted to believe the psychiatrist can help him - make him 'better' - on the other hand, I have to be near him.
While I was at work I wrote a 3 page letter to the doctor and Faxed it to him before the appointment. I felt it was important that he understand what happened when Mark was manic in 2003 and what we all went through then. I believed he should know that Mark drinks 12 to 18 beers every day, smokes pot, was up to 2 -4 Xanax a day and takes 2 to 4 Excedrin PM every night. Even with all of that he still does not sleep. I knew it was also very important that the doctor knew that he killed my bird and that his brother murdered his wife and then killed himself.
I must admit my stomach was in knots all day. At 1:45 P.M. Mark called and said he was already at the gas station. So, I shut everything off at work and let Joe know I had to leave. I got to the gas station and he pointed to a parking spot. I parked. He walked over and said, "Let's take my car, it's cleaner." I told him, "I don't want to drive your car." He said, "Fine we'll take my car and I'll drive." That rather defeated the whole purpose of him having to 'meet me' because he was afraid to drive to the doctor. I decided not to argue and got in.
On the way to the doctor he seemed pretty upbeat, albeit he was definitely very manic. He talked non-stop. He did say he had 'researched' Dr. Agrasti and was "happy with my choice." He said his research found that he is a very prominent psychiatrist. I was glad he seemed to be happy about my choice as I felt it would make things a bit easier. He did say he hoped this wouldn't take long as he had a lot of people 'waiting on him.' It is less then a 10 minute drive from where we parked to the doctor. We went to the waiting room and the 'fun' began.
I went up to give the nurse our insurance card and his drivers license. She gave me back eight forms to fill out. At first, Mark asked me to fill them out, but realized there were too many medical questions that he had to answer. He kept complaining about how many forms he had to fill out. Why do they need all of this? Why do I have to keep writing the date over and over? Why can't they look up the pharmacy number themselves? Then he just wrote a large N/A in every place he felt like not completing. I had to go back and fix all of those later.
Our wait was about a half of an hour. In that time, Mark was up and down. He went over and talked to a 'mentally challenged' kid for about 10 minutes. He then sat back down. Then he got right back up and went outside to play 'song pop' on his cell phone. When he came back in he told me his battery was dying and he needed mine. He said, "I have a lot of important people that will want to talk to me when I am out of here." I tried not to roll my eyes and handed him my phone. He scratched the back of my phone with a key trying to get my cover off. I decided it was best not to say anything about it. By this time my stomach had such large knots in it I was feeling nauseous.
Finally the nurse called his name. She took him back first and I had to wait. About 3 minutes later she came back to get me. Dr. Agresti has salt water aquariums all over his building. Mark loves salt water aquariums, so he was impressed. When we first walked into the doctor's office that was the first thing Mark mentioned, what great aquariums he had. The doctor just said, "Thanks."
He told us to have a seat. He looked at Mark and said, "Tell me why you are here?" Mark said, "I guess I need help." While he asked the questions we both noticed he was thumbing through sheets of paper that were stapled together. As I looked closer I realized it was my FAX! I thought to myself, Lord PLEASE don't let Mark see my name on the front.
The doctor then asked him what medications he was taking (or anything else) and Mark put his bag down on the table of the "holistic" pills he had ordered online. The doctor took one look at them, laughed and said, these are not going to work for you. Mark did not like that at all. It was very apparent he was not happy.
Mark also told him he had new blood pressure medication and sleeping pills his GP, Dr. Toward had prescribed for him. Dr. Agresti asked him for the names of those meds. Mark didn't bring those medications, because he thought Dr. Toward's office sent a list of medications he is on. They hadn't. He hadn't asked them to send the list. Mark then became very perturbed. "Why don't you have the list in your file from Dr. Toward ," he said. Then he looked at me and asked, "You told them to send the list, right?" I said, "No. I never talked to Dr. Toward I spoke with his nurse only to find out what kind of doctor we needed. That's when I started looking for psychiatrists." Mark became even more angrier, this time back at the doctor, "Shouldn't you have asked my GP for a list of my meds?" Dr. Agresti was ignoring his reactions.
The doctor was still flipping through my FAX during all of this. He looked up and said, "You have had trouble with the law?" This was referring to the time in 2003 when Mark was thrown in jail for impersonating a police officer. Mark said, "No, I am not in trouble with the law! What is that you are reading?" I said, "He is referring to the 2003 incident." At the same time the doctor said, "I am reading the FAX sent by your wife." I wanted to die, right then and there.
Mark jumped up and tried to grab the FAX from the doctor. He said, "Let me read that." I also jumped up and loudly said, "NO." He turned to the doctor and asked, "Can I read THAT?" Dr. Agrasti said, "Well it seems your wife doesn't want you to." Mark was very agitated at this point. I was so incredibly stressed and trying not to cry. So, I just sat there, started shaking and finally began to cry.
The doctor got to the part in my letter about Mark murdering my parrot. Mark responded to the doctor, "It was a mercy killing. The bird had crushed its wing and was screaming in pain." I started to explain it was NOT a mercy killing, or anything less then murder as my bird was SAFE until Mark opened the cage and obviously scared the poor thing out of her cage. Mark barked at me, "I am TALKING. YOU can talk when I am finished talking. Wait your turn." The doctor interrupted, because he had just seen the part about Mark's brother killing his wife and himself. He was admittedly a tad shocked and concerned.
Dr. Agrasti asked Mark, "Is all of your family bi-polar? As I am nodding yes, he said, "No one in my family is bi-polar. My brother was an alcoholic." I chimed in, "and your father beat you boys." Mark loudly said, "HE DID NOT. I am talking right now. You wait until i am finished talking! Wait for your turn."
While Mark was talking, the doctor was holding a little box that looked like a very large square cell phone. We could only see the back of it. He was using his finger to make it scroll. Mark said, "Is what is on your cell phone more important to you then what I am saying? If so, I'll just wait!" The doctor ignored him.
Mark then continued, "My dad only beat my oldest brother! He liked Bruce and I!" Mark then went on to explain unrelated things to the doctor like how his mom had MS and had been sick most of his life, then died when was 17. He further explained that when his mother died, his dad married the nurse that worked for him. After, he then disowned him and his brothers and wrote them all out of his will. Mark continued explaining that his dad was a VERY prominent cardiologist that had worked in Washington D.C. The doctor continued to ignore him.
Again, Mark noticed the doctor was scrolling the screen while Mark was talking. And again, he said, "It seems whatever you are reading on your cell phone is far more important then me." The doctor finally looked up and said, "This isn't a cell phone. It is a medical prescription locator. I am looking for the prescription that will best suit your manic condition."
The doctor then looked straight at Mark and said, "You are by far the worst manic case I have seen in a long time. You are very disturbed. You are arrogant, angry, irritable, suspicious, anti-social, rude, and self absorbed. Heck, just look at your wife. One look at her and you can see she is terrified of you. In fact, I must admit, I am a bit concerned about my own safety right now. I'm ready to hit the alert button if needed."
Mark was quite taken back by these comments. Although everything the doctor said was exactly right, I truly believe he 'said all of that out loud' to see what reaction it would provoke from Mark. I think the doctor was waiting for Mark to hit him so he could commit him. Mark was visibly extremely angry, but didn't go so far as to hit the doctor.
Dr. Agrasti then looked back down at his little black box. He said, "I have found the perfect medication for you. I have given this to patients in the hospital. It works like a ZPAC. You take one pill the first day, two the second, three the third, four the forth, and five the last day." He explained the last day would be Tuesday and Mark would need to come back in to see him that day. He further said, "I guarantee you by the third day you will feel like a completely different person. Once you have taken them all we can adjust them for you for a management program." I was happy to hear this. Mark was still angry and very indifferent.
I started to cry again as we got up to leave. I turned to the doctor and said, "I need help too." He replied, "I know." He took me out to speak to the front desk and scheduled an appointment for me to meet with a counselor on Monday. The crisis center said I have "battered women's syndrome." Mark has never hit me. The bruises I have are the type no one can see. They are in my brain and my heart. I am glad I get to talk to someone.
We started walking back to the car. Mark said, "Did you make an appointment for yourself?" I said, "Yes, I have one on Monday." He replied, "Good. Glad to hear it. You definitely need help for your mental condition." I just tried to ignore him and walked to the car.
Driving back to the gas station Mark was extremely angry. He said, "That doctor is a doctor wanna-be." I immediately thought back to 2003 when he said the exact same thing about the nurse that had prescribed his meds then too. He continued, "He has a pretty face and nice hair, but he is just a quack doctor. Dr. Toward (Mark's GP) warned me about Dr. Agrasti. He said he couldn't possibly give me anything better then the meds I am already on." Mark is taking Xanax and medication for high blood pressure. Dr. Toward supposedly prescribed him sleeping pills. Perhaps he did. But, if he did they either are the wrong kind, or Mark just doesn't take them. There are times recently he is a awake for 48 hours. I found him bashing Dr. Agrasti a bit amusing. Only because, as mentioned above, on the way to the appointment he was singing his praises.
When we got back to the gas station I pretty much begged him to immediately go and pick up his new medication. He said he was going straight to there to get them. I got out and drove back to work. I sobbed the entire way. When I got back in the office I called my daddy. It was his 83rd birthday. I hadn't told him or Paula what had been going on since the incident at Thanksgiving. My dad was very upset. He just kept saying to please keep myself safe. He put Paula on the phone and she said the same thing. She is so very sweet to me. She said, "Diana, we are your parents. We have to know you are safe. Please don't go near him unless you are sure you are safe."
After work I was so exhausted from stress I just wanted to melt away. Chris and Kristin had to leave to take Matthew to karate. While they were gone Mark called. During the conversation I asked him if he had gone to pick up his new meds. He responded, "NO. I called Dr. Toward and he said NOT to take those meds." I said, "Dr. Toward s office is closed today." He said, "I have his cell!" (I knew this was a lie). I said, "Great, give me the number. I want to talk to him." He said, "No, I'm not giving it to you." I said, "Fine, I'll call him in the morning. You NEED to take these meds." Then he hung up.
When Chris and Kristin got home, I had to explain all of the above to them. I basically had to relive the entire day as I am doing now. We all had high hopes that he would still go to pick up his new medication. We all also knew he probably wouldn't.
"It took a while for her to figure outShe could run but when she did
She was long gone, long gone
You stupid boy..."
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