Friday, December 7, 2012
I went to bed at 11 P.M. last night. Most people would find this 'normal' and in some cases even late. It is about three hours early for me. My sleeping habits were rearranged over the years. Mark used to fall asleep no later then 9 P.M. on the couch. I would stay in my office and do Facebook, Twitter and read. About 11 P.M. I knew it was safe to go out to watch my recorded shows. Of course, Mark always woke up anyway, crack open a beer and begin to ridicule what I was watching. We would argue and he'd finally go to bed.
But, last night I was exhausted from the entire day yesterday. My nerves were shattered. Honestly, with the exception of last night, I have been going to bed pretty early. I think midnight is the latest I have stayed up since I have moved here.
I didn't sleep well. I tossed and turned most of the night. I woke up about 2:30 A.M. with my cell phone beeping non-stop next to my head. I picked it up and saw, "I had messages." Sure enough I had a few messages on Facebook:
You will note the last entry was at 2:21 A.M. I put the phone back down and tried to go back to sleep. Eventually I was able to.
I got up at 7:15 A.M. to get ready for work. I arrived at work by 8:25. I knew we had a busy day. Joe only was working a half day as he had sold his truck and was picking up his new car. He had put in for three days of vacation, but with Mark out, he worked anyway to help us.
Work was incredibly busy. Mark was not there. Joe left at noon to drop off his truck and Chris followed him so he could go get his new car. That left just Pat and I alone to run the company. The phone rang non-stop and I had customers all day long. Pat was on the road all day. I didn't have time to do anything. I also did not have time to check my messages or email. I did that right before I was leaving work.
In my email I had a message from Lucie Jordan, the producer from that reality TV show. She was sorry to hear about Mark and I, but also wanted to know if I had the profiles ready for the people in the shop and my daughter. She wants to come down here in January and film us. I honestly didn't even know how to respond to her. It certainly isn't her fault for not knowing what is really going on here. In fact, everything in my life would make an excellent Reality TV show. I just wish it wasn't my life. I sent her an email back and told her I would get back to her. I have decided I will just send the link to this blog.
I checked my phone messages after I read my email. Mark had called:
This was the voice mail message:
8:59 A.M
- Friday
You will note the last entry was at 2:21 A.M. I put the phone back down and tried to go back to sleep. Eventually I was able to.
I got up at 7:15 A.M. to get ready for work. I arrived at work by 8:25. I knew we had a busy day. Joe only was working a half day as he had sold his truck and was picking up his new car. He had put in for three days of vacation, but with Mark out, he worked anyway to help us.
Work was incredibly busy. Mark was not there. Joe left at noon to drop off his truck and Chris followed him so he could go get his new car. That left just Pat and I alone to run the company. The phone rang non-stop and I had customers all day long. Pat was on the road all day. I didn't have time to do anything. I also did not have time to check my messages or email. I did that right before I was leaving work.
In my email I had a message from Lucie Jordan, the producer from that reality TV show. She was sorry to hear about Mark and I, but also wanted to know if I had the profiles ready for the people in the shop and my daughter. She wants to come down here in January and film us. I honestly didn't even know how to respond to her. It certainly isn't her fault for not knowing what is really going on here. In fact, everything in my life would make an excellent Reality TV show. I just wish it wasn't my life. I sent her an email back and told her I would get back to her. I have decided I will just send the link to this blog.
I checked my phone messages after I read my email. Mark had called:
This was the voice mail message:
8:59 A.M
It appears he hasn't slept as you can hear. I was a tad optimistic that he was saying he would actually go and get the new medicine.
Since I was the only one at the shop I had to close up the shop. I finally got out of there about 5:10. Then I ran to the bank to make a deposit for the company. The line was long being it was a Friday afternoon.
About 5:30, Mark called me. He said he thought I would already be at the house for our anniversary. I was confused as I had never said I was coming out for our anniversary. He said he needed me to drive him to the grocery store to get his prescription and various items he needed for home. The store is less then 2 miles from our house. Also, didn't he say in the voice mail at 8:59 A.M. (above) that he was going to pick up the prescriptions this morning? I told him I was exhausted, hadn't been home yet, I was still in my work clothes and just wanted to go home. I said I would come out on Saturday and maybe we could go to lunch.
I got to Kristin's and as I was changing my clothes I guess my phone rang. I didn't hear it. I did listen to the message after:
5:44 P.M.
As you can hear he isn't "OK." Not to mention the 'meds' he is referring to is that holistic stuff he got online. Like a dope I actually considered going out there to drive him to the store. My mind was saying, "Don't DO IT." My heart was saying, "He is crying out for help." I did call him back but got no answer.
A little bit later he called my cell phone again. This time I was outside. I listened to the message when I came in:
6:01 P.M.
When I heard this he seemed to sound almost 'normal' to me. It made me feel sad for both of us. I just truly was exhausted. I also couldn't find the strength to act happy when I am clearly not. If I didn't act like everything was hunky dory we would end up fighting, he would be angry and I would be even more stressed. It just wasn't worth it.
The kids and I had dinner, played with Matthew, my African Grey Parrot and had the start of a quiet night. I came in to look at Facebook. I thought it would be nice to find a song to post on Mark's wall since it was our anniversary after all. I looked for over an hour. I didn't want to post some 'lovey dovey' song. I do love him, but right now, I am very confused, hurt and unclear as to our future. After looking for awhile I saw the song, "The first time ever I saw your face", by Roberta Flack. I thought that would be a nice one, so I posted it to his wall.
I called our house, but he didn't answer. I left a message about 7:45 to tell him I would come over tomorrow at noon. We could go have lunch. I posted a message to his Facebook page to let him know I left a message. He responded almost at 9 P.M.:
Friday
Things started going downhill after that:
I started to respond to this. I kept reading what he wrote over and over. I knew he was manic. No matter what I would say he would misread it. I wrote what I wanted to say on Notepad. I re-wrote it. And, re-wrote it. What I wrote was very factual, but it was also written out of anger. So, I re-wrote it again.
My original draft was going to call him out about what he 'says his doctors had said.' I am quite sure he didn't speak to Dr. Tollard, and if he did, the doctor would never say that. Also, I highly doubt the Publix Supermarket pharmacist would say that to him. Not only does he not know Mark, he certainly would never override what his psychiatrist would say.
The 87 page letter he was referring to was the FAX that I sent to Dr. Agrasti yesterday. I wanted to correct him explaining it was 4 pages and that I highly doubt the doctor sent it to him without my knowledge.
I finally wanted to add that it was wonderful that he understands that he always has been manic and always will be. I wanted to state that it was good to know he felt he is a better person now. I was going to finish with telling him he didn't need to worry about me, or my mental health. I can take care of myself.
Then I deleted that 5th draft. I realized trying to reason with a manic person is very unreasonable.
At 10:56 I re-wrote it again - what I actually sent:
I thought what I wrote was non-confrontational, honest and to the point. Maybe I am wrong. He sure didn't like it. (Note for below, Matt is his divorce attorney from his first wife):
Please re-read his above posts. At 11:31, he tells me he took his new meds. Then he asks if he should call his divorce attorney. He then tells me he took down the anniversary song I posted to him. Next, he asks me to call him. At 12:24 AM he once again asks me to call him. At 12:36 he reminds me I had said I would come over the next day.
I then went to bed. I had enough.
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