Friday, December 14, 2012
Today was incredibly busy at work as the entire week had been. I did not sleep well last night after my ordeal with Mark. I woke up at least 3 times. My nerves are definitely shot. I don't know how to describe how I feel expect to say that my entire body feels like a large open wound that hurts all of the time. Sometimes I can get used to it. Most of the time I can't. Sometimes I burst out in tears at the most inappropriate times. I have had to excuse myself to customers far too often in the past week. Today was no exception. I cried most of the day.
I made a decision today to follow the advice of my counselor, my family and friends. I will not speak to Mark again until he is under a psychiatrists care and is on medication. My emotions are like a roller coaster at Six Flags. I cannot help care about him, but I can try to take care of myself. I am going to try to stand strong and do this.
I spoke to several people this morning who told me I could not get Mark committed by the Florida's Baker Act. This law requires him to have tried to commit suicide or harm to another person. Unfortunately pets do not apply to this. What they did tell me is that I could try to do a process called "The Marchman Act." I called several times during the day to Mark's psychiatrist office to get the number of an attorney to help me do this. By the end of today, she still had not returned my call. I guess I will have to get it on Monday when I have my counseling appointment.
I did not speak with Mark the entire day at work. I also did not respond to any of his Facebook posts.
When I left work I went to the grocery store to pick up a couple of things. I started to get out of my car and again burst into tears. I started to take long deep breaths to try to gain my composure. I finally walked in the store. As I walked down one isle to pick up the things I needed I looked over and saw seeded hamburger buns. I stood there and started to sob out loud. Many people turned to look at me. I wiped my eyes and started walking down the isle again. Of course, I realize none of you know why seeded hamburger buns would make anyone cry. They were Little Muffin's favorite. I bought her these every week for the past eight years.
When I left the store my phone rang. I answered it without looking to see who it was. It was Mark. He said, "Is it my turn to call you, or your turn to call me?" Then he hung up. I turned off my phone.
So much has happened in my life in such a short amount of time. It has been impossible to properly grieve over my baby. I suppose there is no 'proper way' to grieve. I just know she was fine. Now she is dead at the hands of my husband. I feel like everything in my life is upside down and I am not really sure what to do about it. I am doing my best.
The kids went out shopping for Matthew's Christmas presents and for a little 'date night' tonight. They need it I have no doubt. I have been thrust in their lives. They have been wonderful to me. No matter how rough this is on my I always know this is tremendously hard on them as well.
I talked with my sister Cheryl for a long time tonight after the kids left. When I told her what happened last night, she scolded me, but was also very sweet. I don't blame her for being upset. Cheryl, like most everyone else, is worried about my safety. She told me she understands how I feel. She said she felt the same way when her and Terry split up after twenty years. You can't help but hurt for the person. You want to 'save' them. The problem is how far do you go before you risk the fear of hurting yourself? Everyone knows what happened with Mark's brother and his wife. Did Susan ever really fear Grant before he shot her? I honestly don't think she did, or she would have moved out. Exactly what was the point that Grant snapped? I can't risk finding out what Mark's breaking point is.
Tonight was quiet. Tonight was nice. I hope I can sleep better tonight.
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