Thursday, December 13, 2012
I didn't feel like writing yesterday. It isn't that 'something' hasn't happened. It's just when I write, I have to relive the events of that day. It is so very tiring and frustrating to do this. Other times it is a release just to make sure I remember everything that happened. Sometimes I write and just don't publish until later. I guess that's why I am writing today. I do not want to forget what happened tonight.
People that love me will be angry and disappointed at me when they read this. All of them, including my new counselor, have told me to "stay away from Mark. Don't talk to him, don't acknowledge him, don't respond to him and don't answer his calls." This is easier said than done. He is my husband of 17 years. I may not be able to answer my counselors question yet, but I do know I still care about him at least. It hurts to see him suffering. He feels abandoned and it makes me sad. He honest to God has no one in this world left but me.
As you recall, Mark's computer had stopped working online over the weekend. It seems when the painters pulled all of the all of the cords out of the wall no one knew how to put everything back the right way again. Mark had spent the past five days trying to figure it out himself. A few times he had called me he tried to ask me questions, but there was no way I could answer them over the phone. It is just impossible without sitting there seeing what is happening.
Keep the frame of mind I was in today worrying about his feelings. Add to that I was down and that I had a grueling day at work. Mark called at 4:15 P.M. saying, "I have almost got my computer working online again. I just need help with the few last steps." I said to him, "I'll just come out there and finish fixing it." I knew I could fix it. He said, "THANK YOU!" I told Joe I was leaving a half hour early. Then I text messaged Kristin to tell her I would be home a little late from work and why. Next, I headed out to Loxahatchee. Let the fun begin...
5:15 P.M.
Once again when I got to the house I parked outside the gate. Having the ability to exit quickly is always an option I want to keep open. Rick and Paul (the painters) were still there. I knew they would be leaving soon. So, I double checked to make sure our next door neighbor Jim was home. He is a Palm Beach County Sheriff. I saw his truck in the driveway. I considered going their first to tell him I was going to be next door helping Mark since he knows our current situation. I decided against it. I figured it was enough just knowing he was there if I needed him.
I was overcome with sadness as I am every time I walk into our house these days. It's not so much that I miss my home, but more of the horrific condition it is in. It has gotten worse since last weekend. I thought it would be a good idea to take pictures of the mess with my phone. But, then Mark came around the corner and I decided it was no longer a good idea. We gave each other a little hug and I immediately went to my office to where the Comcast box and the router is located.
Paul, the painter, stopped me and started chatting with me. I know I was acting cold to him, but I really wasn't in the mood to chat. He seems to be rather manic himself, but he is nice at least. He told me Mark had been crying a lot after I left. He mentioned that he seemed quite upset about Little Muffin. He repeated Mark's lie about the "Mercy Killing." I stopped him. I said, "No Paul, it was NOT a 'mercy killing.' Mark MURDERED my parrot!" I told him, "My baby was locked up in her cage and it was covered for the night. The night I left, sometime after 1 A.M., Mark took off the cover, unlocked the cage and somehow scared her out of it. Whether she flew into a fan or not I have no idea. What I do know is he did NOT have to break her neck. He didn't even try to get help for her. And, she would not have been hurt IN THE FIRST PLACE if he hadn't forced her OUT OF HER CAGE. He then took her body, wrapped in paper towels and threw it somewhere out on the side of the road on Seminole Pratt Whitney Road."
He got the point.
It is important to remember when you read the next part of this that Mark is 'sick.' I know, I am 'making excuses' for him. But, it is clear he is sick, even though he doesn't believe he is.
5:30 PM
I will admit I was in awe at the sight of my office. The walls looked nice for sure, but there were wires everywhere and stuff piled on every table. Although I am pretty well versed with computers I can honestly say I don't know a lot about networking and routers. I can generally research most of the information to figure things out, but it is very time consuming. The first thing I did was try to untangle all of the wires and try to make some sense of what was in front of me.
Rick and Paul left and Mark kept coming in and out of my office. He kept asking me what I was doing with the wires and why I was unhooking them. I didn't answer him. I just gave him 'a look'. He said, "I had the network set up. There was only one step left to do. I don't know why you are messing it all up?" Then he walked out.
6:00 P.M.
It took me about a half hour to untangle all of the wires. I saw the Comcast cable modem sitting there on the desk, as well as the Linksys router. What was confusing me was a little black box connected to the two phone lines Mark had connected to the wall. This black box said "Westinghouse" on it and had one phone line running in to it and was connected to the Comcast modem. Then it dawned on me. That little black box was our old AT&T modem. Mark had hooked it up as part of the 'new network' he was setting up.
Mark walked in as I was unhooking the AT&T modem and set it it on the desk. He said, "WHAT are you DOING?" I explained to him that this modem shouldn't be there at all. We haven't had AT&T since 2009 and this black box is useless. He was visibly angered that I had 'messed up' his week of work. He told me, "I had it working for a minute the way it was set up! Why are you undoing it?" I explained again, "This CAN'T work. We don't PAY for AT&T."
Mark left the room saying,"I haven't eaten since yesterday. I am going to make myself something to eat. Do you want something to eat?" I hadn't eaten since lunch, but wasn't in the mood to eat, so I told him no. He left the room and came back 5 minutes later with a couple of pieces of that precooked bacon. He held it out to me and said, "Here, I made this for you." I didn't want it, but I also knew if I didn't take it a fight would start. I took it and after he walked out I wrapped it up in a paper towel and set it over in the mound of "stuff" sitting on the other table. Mark walked back in and said, "I have a back up of the network layout you are screwing up. Perhaps you should reload it so it works again." Then he left the room.
7:00 P.M
I finally had all the wires reattached the way I thought they "should be" - which I truly had no idea if this was right. I was going by my memory of how it was set up before I moved out. I turned on my computer to try to figure out where to start to reconnect the modem and router. Then I noticed my keyboard didn't work. It is a wireless keyboard. The blue tooth connector that had been plugged in to the computer was no longer there. I just sighed. I decided not to stress about it. Instead, I went over and unhooked the old wired keyboard from the other computer. While I was doing that I disconnected everything else on that computer and moved it to the floor to make room on the desk.
Once again Mark walked in and asked me, "Do you want me to help you to the car with that??" I told him, "I am not taking it. I'm just moving it to make room. I also needed the keyboard, because the blue tooth connector is missing for my keyboard." He said, "Don't blame ME for that. I haven't touched that. Why are you worrying about YOUR computer. It's MY laptop that doesn't have internet connection!" I explained that my computer is the "Home" computer and I had to get it set up so the other computers could connect.
Mark either didn't believe me, or just didn't want to hear what I was saying. He said he had re-networked everything and his computer was now the hub. I decided not to argue with him. He has absolutely no clue how a network works. He knows far less then I do and that's not much. He then leaned over to me and whispered, "I know someone 'remotely' disconnected my internet service. I know 'someone' doesn't want me using Skype. When I find out who that 'someone' is they will be sorry." 'Someone' is obviously me. I realized he actually believed I had the ability to remotely effect his computer and its service. I decided not to respond.
7:30 P.M.
Once I had my computer up and running again I did try to connect to the internet with no luck. I went back and checked all of the wires to make sure they were connected properly. Then I decided to check and see if the modem worked if I plugged it directly in to my computer without using the router. When I did this it worked perfectly. It was then I knew there was a problem with the router. But, I also noticed the home phone did not work.
Our home phone is also with Comcast and that modem box makes it work. The lights for the phone were flashing off and on. I tried to reset the router a few times. While I was doing this Mark walked in. He said, "NOW what are you doing?" I explained it seemed to be the router had gone bad (it is 10 years old). I told him I was able to connect using my computer. Then I told him I needed to fix the phones before I continued with the computer. Out of the blue he said, "You don't like me using Skype. So what if Skype costs $10 or $18 dollars a week?" This was the first time I actually responded to him. I said, "Why do you need to pay for Skype when we already PAY for phone service?" He left the room again.
I decided instead of beating my head against the wall I would call Comcast. When the call center agent got on the line I noticed her accent. I thought to myself, "Is Comcast technical support in India?" I really do wonder that. I explained to the agent how the painters had disconnected everything and I was trying to reconnect the lines. I also told her I was at a loss. She took the time to help me go step by step to try to figure out how to fix the phone.
While the Comcast lady was trying to help me, Mark came into the room yelling, "Ask them if Comcast has a backup of the correct network I laid out!" He then yelled, "Why did you stop me from getting online?" He kept on yelling things. I couldn't hear the lady, so I plugged one ear with my finger and held the phone with the other. This all went on for a good ten minutes. He would leave the room then come back in and start yelling again. Finally, the Comcast lady said, "Are you OK?" I actually started laughing out loud. I was thinking to myself, 'How said some lady in India is clearly worried about me.' I finally responded, "I will be once I can get this thing working and get out of here." She didn't say anything. Mark finally left to do something so the yelling stopped long enough for me to finish hearing her instructions. We were finally able to get the phone wired correctly again.
Mark was standing in the hall and I told him the phone was working again and the internet worked on my computer. I told him I believed the router was dead. He was upset. He made it very clear he wanted his computer to work. He didn't want to use mine. This is the part where you are all asking yourself, "So, why didn't you just leave?" I thought that many times while I was there. I also knew that he had talked to me every single day either by phone or Facebook about this. I knew it would continue until it was fixed. Honestly, my heart was being shredded. Go home? Or, finish the job then wash my hands of it? I made the choice to finish it. Please don't judge me for this. Go back and read the first few paragraphs of tonight to understand my frame of mind.
8:10 P.M.
It is impossible to get a router at night in Loxahatchee. Such stores do not exist yet where we live. I decided to drive to the Office Max in Palm Beach Gardens about 15 minutes away. Before I left I grabbed Bailey (my dachshund) to take him with me. He had been at work with me and was there with me all night. I didn't feel comfortable leaving him there with Mark. I know that seems strange since Mark still has Jet there and my cat Nai. But, as I have stated before, he adores Jet and feels sorry for Nai, because he is retarded. He likes them, but he doesn't like Bailey, just like he didn't like Little Muffin. I would be fearful to leave Bailey alone with him. As I walked to the car with Bailey in my arms, Mark asked me to leave him there. I declined and he got upset. I felt it was best not to explain why and just left.
I got to Office Max and found an inexpensive router that would work fine for our house. I bought it and drove back home. When I walked in I noticed that there was water all over the floor in every room all over the hard wood floors. It seems Mark had all of the doors open and the sprinklers had gone on. He let Jet play in the sprinklers while I was gone then run in and out of the house. For a brief moment I did think about getting towels to dry the floor. Then a moment later thought better of it. I headed back to my office.
9:30 PM
Mark walked in to my office as I was opening the new router. He held up some medals his dad had received while he was a doctor in the Navy. He said, "Don't tell ANYONE this, but these are worth about $50K I found out." I just nodded and kept unwrapping the box. He continued, "These could be worth nearly a million if they have the crest at the bottom." Again, I just nodded (thinking to myself, yeah, sure, right). Then he added, "You better not tell ANYONE! Not even our family. This is something someone would kill you over. There is no crest on these, but I was told a jeweler could add one so we can be rich!" Breaking my self proclaimed vow of silence while I was there, I replied, "That would be illegal." Silly me for saying that. He said, "OH, so you don't WANT us to be RICH? I should have known. That's how you are!" I decided not to say anything more.
I finished opening the router, put it on the desk and plugged it in. These new routers are amazing. It actually walked me through what to do with both computers. I had the router set up and the internet working on both in about 20 minutes. During that 20 minutes, Mark had walked in the room holding the "change bowl" that we always throw spare change after work from our pockets. I looked up at him holding it. He said, "So, you are upset about me spending money on Skype? Here's 50 cents." He threw two quarters at me. Then he threw more change at me and continued to do so, over and over. All the while saying, "When I find out who broke my internet they will be very sorry. I will also figure out who stopped my Skype. You just wait." I continued to ignore him while he was doing this. I actually wanted to scream. You can imagine how uneasy I felt. I kept thinking to myself, "Why am I SO STUPID!? Why am I even here?" He finally left the room again because football was on. He slammed the change bowl down on the island counter in the kitchen. The change flew all over the floor. He sat down to watch football and finally left me alone.
10:00 P.M.
The router was set up and working, so I checked Mark's computer to make sure everything was working before I left. When I opened a browser I was in shock. All kinds of pages opened up. They were opening to all kinds of items to buy and there were all kinds of tool bars added to his browser. The search engine was something I had never seen. I Googled the name (I don't remember what it is now) and it said it was spyware/trojan. This all made sense to me now. The week before, when he was still online, he had made a crazy statement to me. He said, "My computer is awesome ever since I loaded Skype. It tells me what I need to buy to keep my computer running perfectly. It even opens the pages for me!" It turns out it wasn't so crazy after all. The virus was telling him what to do and he was doing it.
I figured I better fix that as well as all of the other malicious downloads he had made since I left. He keeps spending money we don't have. Lord knows if he thinks he computer can tell him what to buy, by George he'll do it. I spent the next hour and a half removing the programs and spyware and running checks to make sure they were all gone.
11:30 P.M.
I walked out of my office. Mark was in the kitchen. I set his computer on the couch and told him it was all fixed. He said, "Thanks for fixing it. Call me tomorrow?" I just said, "You're welcome." I grabbed Bailey and left. While I was driving home I was rather numb. I pulled in the driveway about 11:45 and went to bed.
Already I can imagine what all of you are thinking. Why did you go at all? Why did you stay to finish with the way he was treating you? Why? Why? Why? Trust me, I was angry at myself for going there in the first place. On the other hand, I knew if I hadn't gone out there to fix it he would have probably paid a fortune for someone to come out there and do it. That would be OK with me except, as stated before, he keeps spending money we do not have. We couldn't afford him hiring a computer tech. It is done now. The evil 'remote villain' that disabled his internet and Skype has now fixed it. All should be well now, right?
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