I talked to Mark last night when I got home from work. He told me he is bidding on a watch on ebay. He said the bid is at $100 right now. I told him please do NOT bid any more then that. The fact is, he doesn't need a watch at all.
He is spending money left and right. He has been taking money out of our checking account. Thank God he told me last night otherwise our house payment would have bounced.
He wanted to talk to me and tell me about everything he had been doing around the house. He wanted to talk about how he is using Skype. I told him to STOP using Skype. I asked him, "Why are you paying for Skype when the phone is free?" He never has an answer, except I guess he thinks Skype is cool. It is hard to make sense out of things that someone who makes no sense continues to do.
He called me this morning when I got to work. He told me he had not been to bed at all. It was apparent, after speaking with him, he had not slept. He wanted to talk, but I had just got to work, so we hung up.
It is very hard for me to talk to him. Being away from him has been nice. My nerves have settled somewhat. It may be mundane living at my daughters, but there are no surprises there. It's quiet. It is calm. I can sleep at night. And, I can cry.
Mark's doctor appointment is tomorrow. I am going to meet him there. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what will happen. What I do know is everyone is waiting for this appointment tomorrow. It seems like all of our lives will hinge on this one appointment.
My kids are worried two fold. Our company is the 'bread and butter' for both Mark, Chris and myself. If I leave him, the company falls apart. My daughter is worried and upset. I understand she needs to know what I am going to do. If Chris needs to find another job she wants him to be able to start to do it.
It is difficult for me when people ask me, "What are you going to do?" Several have asked both friends and family. I can't answer them. I don't know what I am going to do. How can I know? I don't really know anything right now.
I have a mixture of sadness, hate, love and confusion. Honestly, I think I need help myself. After being mentally beaten for the past few years I just don't know how to react to anything anymore. I told the crisis counselor which I called, "I wish he would hit me so people could see the bruises. They can't see the bruises in my heart and my brain." She said, "I hear that a lot. You are suffering the equivalent of the battered women's syndrome."
9:00 PM
Mark has called here twice tonight. I get a pit in my stomach when I talk to him. When he talks everything is so disconnected. Some of the things he says makes sense, most of the time it is just rambling.
When he called the second time, he said he wanted to "meet me half way" to drive to the doctor. I don't want to. He said he is afraid to drive all the way there because of the sleeping pills he has been taking. I don't believe that. But, as usual, he finally convinced me to do it. I usually always give in instead of fighting with him and him making me feel so guilty. It is amazing to me, that even when he is full blown manic how he can still control me, even though I am not even there.
We'll see what happens tomorrow. For tonight, I want to have a quiet night and not think about any of this.
And, just in case you forgot... He murdered my parrot.
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