22. Silent Sunday

Sunday, December 16, 2012

I didn't sleep well again last night.  I actually didn't fall asleep until 1:45 A.M.  If I had said this a month ago it wouldn't be a surprise.  But, since I left home it is quite different.  I am always in bed between 11 and 12.  I guess last night I was still stressed about the Facebook fiasco.  I woke up about 3 times during the night.


I still had my phone off and decided to leave it off today.  Kristin woke up early and went to church.  I didn't wake up until 8:30.  Church starts at 9 A.M., so Kristin went ahead without me.  When she and Matthew got home from church the kids and I went shopping at Home Depot and then Publix.

When we got back Kristin helped Matty with his homework. When she was done helping she and I left to go have an early dinner.  Chris and Matthew had a late lunch, so Chris watched Matty to give us a little mom and daughter time.  It was nice to sit and talk with her alone without interruption. It was nice, quiet and relaxing.  I needed that.

Later in the evening I checked Facebook and had no messages from anyone including Mark.  You might say, "Well, that's great!"  But, you have to step back and think about my logic.  Mark has talked to me on Facebook non-stop, called my phone and texted me.  All of a sudden there is silence.  My mind starts to race.  Did he drown?  Did he fall?  Did he have a heart attack?  Did he...?  I did not try to contact him.  Kristin and I agreed that if no one heard from him by the end of  Monday we would have the Sheriff to a wellness check on him.

I talked to the kids and asked them to help me with an ultimatum of sorts.  I wrote it and they read it.  We changed it and then I posted it:

• Sunday
• 

  5:59pm
  

  Diana Rae Walter
  

  
  

  I know you want me to talk with you, but I just can't right now.
  

  If you want any chance at all to try to save our marriage, you will make the first appointment you can get with Dr. Agrasti and continue to see him.

  You will also need to take the meds as he has prescribed when you see him. If you do this, let me know when the appointment is and I will be there.

  Otherwise, if you don't feel you can do these things then I cannot be a part of your life.

I wanted to be careful how I worded this.  I didn't want to 'set him off' by using words he might perceive as being judgmental, rude or condescending.  I made sure to add, "to try to save" because right now I can't say we can save our marriage at this point.  That could possibly change given time.  It's also something I can't guarantee.  The pain that has happened runs very deep.

I heard this song today and I do feel I am getting a 'tiny' bit stronger.  I am not quite where she is at in the song.  There may come a point that I just may be.  We'll see.